Sunday, July 22, 2012

Sorry girls for the lack of update.

I don't know how much I weight anymore, and I don't want to know.

I tried working at the strip club, I didn't like it and I wasn't making a lot of money. My housemate is taking care of the brothel I used to work for 3 weeks, so I'm working there at night. I quit last time because of the manager, so for now I don't mind working there. And in the day time I work in a private flat. It's way better than at the massage parlor.

I got really upset with my other flatmate. She told her brother I'm a prostitute, and once we were in this nightclub and she told the security guards. She says 'it's fine, it's fine' it's not fucking fine! I'm ashamed of what I am, and she is telling everybody!

Anyway, good night girls!

Friday, June 29, 2012

Well, I guess it could be worse.

 I am 143.2 lbs

I can't believe I'm back in the 40's. By Monday I better be out of it.

Anyway, I almost binge today. By the way, yesterday I didn't binge and purge, I'm so pride of myself, first time in months. But back to today. I went for a walk, and I ended up in front of M&S. Fuck, I ate a vegan samosa. 

So I told myself, what's the point, let's eat all the food!

But I didn't. I spend 1h30 putting food in the bag, then I removed them, and put other stuffs in, then not. In the end I quickly grab some vegetables and rice noodles, payed and run out of the shop.

That was close. And if someone was watching the security camera video, they must what a nutcase.

I'm not eating more today. I had some soup 150, the famous samosa 230 and a bag of fruit 70. So 450 calories for today.

Thursday, June 28, 2012

Well...'s not fucking good.
I went to my friend's house to get the stuff I left there 3 months ago. And my scale.
And I really really really don't like the numbers I'm seeing.

I gained 17 fucking pounds.

Putain de merde d'enculé d'sa mere! Fais chier!!


I am so done eating. Today I had some bread and jam, and a bag of cherries. It's about 400calories I think. I walked for 5 hours, and I plane to do some pole dancing, like every nights.

I need to lose at least 10 pounds in two weeks.

You know what's strange? My clothes from 3 months ago still fit me.

Tuesday, June 26, 2012


I ate 2 apples, a bowl of soup, and way too much bread. I only purged once, a new record as I've been throwing up between 4 and 10 times everyday for the past months.

I think I am bellow the 1000 calories, I don't know, I hope...

Also I consumed way too much coffee and cigarets.

I laugh for 15 minutes because of a silly moody cat, then 1 hour later I was in the bathtub crying hysterically.

Monday, June 25, 2012

Hey everyone.

I know, last time I said I was done with this shit.
But as I never actually deleted this blog, I guess I subconsciously knew that it wouldn't be that easy.
I'm back in this fucking game, never really gave up, as I've been throwing up everyday for the past few months.

So last time I was living with my brother in England.
I'm still in England. I got the job as an au pair, but he was a single father and really inappropriate with me. I last for a month and an half. He didn't fucking payed me.
A girl told me I could crash at her place after that, I only had 150£ left, no job, no home.
I found a job in the kitchen in a restaurant, as a cooker. I was told everyday by the boss that I was slow, a disaster, worth nothing... I lasted a week. he didn't fucking payed me.
So I was still with no job, with less than 10£ remaining, and my friend was throwing me out of her place... never gave me a reason why, I was never there for fuck's sake.

So what did I do? I went to work in a fucking brothel. A massage parlor.

I lived there for two weeks, the time to have enough money for a month deposit and the rent. All I did was fuck, sleep, fuck, sleep...

My first customer was drunk, he barfed in the shower.
The second on was really big, he hurt me so much I was crying, he didn't give a fuck and laugh.

I got used to it. And as I was really busy, I was making good money. The other girls hated me, because men loved me. I'm not bragging, but that's the truth. I hate myself, my body, my face... when I look at the mirror, I cried, I'm so fucking ugly I want to hide from the world. But nobody see that, they all say "cute, nice girl, pretty, bubbly personality, amazing eyes, long legs, beautiful smile, perfect body, funny, friendly..." I never believe them.

I quit 3 weeks ago. I live with my ex-boss best friends. They are really nice

I got a pole in my room, in less than a month I will go work in a strip club. I need to get in shape and lost weight, duh. I gained way too much weight when I was working at the brothel. I don't know how much I am, and I'm to afraid to find the answer.

I'm such a cliché. The prostitute with eating disorder, insomnia, self harming and years of child sexual abuse behind her.

My life is just a big fat joke. I can't wait for everything to be over, to be old and weak and wrinkled and to be able to say that I made it that far, and everything was worth it.

Sorry if I swear a lot.

Friday, January 13, 2012

goodbye girls

I'm done. I will delete this blog in a few days. If someone still want to talk to me, I can give them my facebook.

Saturday, January 7, 2012

No binge today.
Cut myself instead, haven't done that since the strip club.

calorie intake: 250
weight: don't want to know

I'm looking for a job as an au pair.If I don't find one in a week, I'll go work in a brothel. That's all I'm good at anyway.

My birthday is next saturday, I'll be 21. I feel so old. I just can't wait for everything to be over. 

Wednesday, December 21, 2011

 I bought a food scale, and a bathroom scale. I'm really not happy with what it shows me.

-2 coffees+ 1 pickle: 10

-1 big bowl of vegetables ( 210g potatoes, 80g peas, 85g courgets, 130g mushrooms, 170g carots) + 10g of tomatoe purée+ 30g of alpro soya cream: 385
-100g of  alpro soya yogurt + 75g of bluberries: 90

Then a b&p ...pasta, vegan cheese, yogurt...

It's like I have a little demon in me, reminding me that no, I can't be who I want to be.

Monday, December 19, 2011

I hate myself. Yesterday started well. I had only 300 cal for lunch, only vegetables. But I ate too much, it was only 300cal, but it was a lot of vegetables, and I drank a lot of water. I felt really full. 

I accidently purged. 

I bent down to pick up my fork, and tada! Everything was on the fucking floor.

Then I spend the last 2 days b&p. 
The record to beat is 2 days without binge.

I'm addicted to sugar, seriously. So I bought diet soda, the thing with a lot of aspartame in it. I know it's bad for the health, but when I feel like I need sugar, I drink this and it refrains me from binging. Little by little I will try to use it less and less. But right now I don't see any other solution. I really want to stop b&p!

And I changed my ugw to 100lbs. I know it's too little. But I don't care. I want to disapear.

Saturday, December 17, 2011

2nd day and still no binge! and a picture of me at the strip club


-1 apple: 40
-1 baby banana: 40
-1 coffee: 5

-1 salade (1 small avocado, 3 baby tomatoes, 4 pickles, 2 mushrooms): 220
-1 bowl of vegetables + 1 tsp of olive oil: 100

-10g of macadamia nuts and dried cranberries: 50
-1 baby tomatoe: 2
-1 tea

-1 bowl of vegetables ( carrots, fine beans, mushrooms, potatoes, zucchinis) + 1 tsp of olive oil: 320
-1 infusion

777, so 800cal for today!!
 I'm eating healthy, and even if I feel like it's way too much calories, I need to keep it like this. Once I know for sure that bulimia is 'gone', I will try to eat less.

Here's a picture of me. It was two monthes ago, I lost weight since then.

Friday, December 16, 2011

Good start

Hi girls!
Thanks for your lovely comments. I don't really see me as someone strong. It's just that life is too short for complains and regrets.

So today I had:

-2 coconuts biscuits: 106
-2 Smoothie Fruits, 3-Ounce Pouches: 108
-1 coffee: 5
-1/2 little apple: 25
-1 coconuts biscuit: 53
-1 coffee: 5
-1 baby banana: 40
-10 pickles: 10
-200g of carrots and fine beans + 2 potatoes + 2 mushrooms + 2 tsp of olive oil:  200

So 552, but let's just say 600! And no binging today!!!!
This is so great! This is so amazing. I have been b&p everyday since September, at least 3 times a day.  Everyday I was telling myself "it's the last time"... and I finally did it! 'little victory dance'
I even cooked a healthy dinner... it was delicious! I just need to get ride of the biscuits and the smoothie fruits, because they are not that good and full of sugar, I will try to replace them with fresh fruits once I eat them all^^ don't want to waste food by throwing them away. 

Ahhh! I feel so good and proud of myself right now!

Thursday, December 15, 2011

Remember me?

Yeah, I'm still alive .

The last 4 monthes of my life have been really hard on me. After I went back to France to start a new college year, things got real bad for me, well, it could have been worse, but it wasn't easy.

To sum up, I had no where to sleep, so I slept at friend's, or in youth hostels, or in the street (but that was because a guy at the youth hostel raped me and another one forced me to give him a blow job, I didn't want to come back there so for two days I didn't know where to go).

Anyway, I couldn't continue my studies so I had to stop and find a job.

I was a cleaning lady in a sex shop in the mornings, baby sitter from time to time, and every night I worked as a stripper/hostess in a "bar à champagne" (wine bar). And I prostituted myself.

Then I couldn't take it anymore so I decided to go away for a while. I'm back in England, at my brother's. I'm going to stay here for a while, find a job, and when it gets less cold, I'm going to travel.

I'm so tired of everything, I'm not okay but nobody seems to notice. Don't get me wrong, I love my life, I think I got a good life. The only things I hate are my body, the binging and purging (it's gotten really worse, but i'm working on that) and the fact that even if I'm ugly as fuck, every men I meet want to screw me (I will never trust a man in my life ever again).

But I relly really really love my life. I've grown up a lot those past monthes. I'm not the same girl i was. Bad things happened, I met some wonderful people, and some not so wonderful people, I did things I never thought I would do, i found out that I am damn good at stripping, I also had a lot of fun ..

But I just need to be alone for a while, and think about everything.

Sunday, July 31, 2011

Quick update

Sorry, couldn't post earlier. 

So Friday, I ate more than I should have, but that was okay because we did a lot of walking and dancing.
Then yesterday was a disaster, so I'd rather not speak about it :/

Anyway, today is a fast day. And starting Monday, I will do something like:
-fruit juice day (200ml, 3 to 6 times a day)
-eating day (400cal or less)
-fruit juice day
-fruit juice day
-eating day
-fruit juice day

I think you get it. ^^
And if I really want to binge, only on eating days. It's pointless to say that I'm not allowed to, because I will anyways.


Thursday, July 28, 2011

Day 3 of my fast

Good morning!

Okay, so my lemonade master cleanse is more a fast with a pretty name than anything else.
And we all know how bad a fast of more than 2 day is, and how hard not regaining the pounds lost is . I've been reading a lot of things on this cleanse, and conclusion, it's rubbish.

So maybe I'm going to stop today, I don't know. 

Okay, so I need your help girls. Tomorrow, by brother and I, are going to Yo! Sushi. And I am scared as shit. Because last time, we want to Wagamama, I eat a tone (miso soup, rice, ramen, sorbet...) and only purged about half of it (couldn't spend more time in the restroom without looking suspicious).

So first, should I eat a little today and tomorow morning? If I break my fast with a lot of calories but just once, and restart a 2 days fast, would it be worse or better?

And now, down there is the list of what I can eat(vegan) at YO! Sushi, and the calories (yeah, they got the nutritional informations on their website, isn't it awsome?).
In green is what I'd really like to try: 

Miso Soup 57
Vegetable Gyoza 112
Vegetable Yakisoba 206
Vegetable Firecracker Rice 342
Vegetable Tempura 125
Cucumber Maki 94
Kaiso 107

Endaname 122
Kaiso salad 120
Aubergine 83
Crunchy Tofu 104
Fresh fruits  59 
Mochi 130

So what do you think my meal should be?  I really like food, it's relly hard for me to resist,  and I know that when I'm back in France, I won't be able to find stuff like that (it really hard to find vegan food in restaurant).
I know that if I eat too much,I will have to purge, but I won't be able to purge everything so at night I'm going to binge and purge (I know stupid but I can't stop myself).

Sometimes it's not that easy to be me ! ^^

Wednesday, July 27, 2011

Day 2

So, yesterday I didn't drink all 60oz of lemonade. I put too much cayenne pepper, and it was too hot...I only drank about 1/4.
And I did the sea salt thing, it worked in the morning, but last night it didn't. It didn't even make me go pee, so I don't know were the 35oz of salted water have gone!

Today, lemonade, lemonade, lemonade. But I might give up the pepper, it's only here for its vitamines, and take vitamines instead.

I'm happy, yesterday was the first day in a long time that I didn't eat anything! So far it's going great, I'm not too hungry.

Have a good day girls!

Tuesday, July 26, 2011

Day 1

Thanks girls for your lovely comments! They're really motivating me!

Here we are, the lemonade master cleanse.

Per day:
  • 60 ounces of filtered water
  • 12 Tablespoons of organic grade B maple syrup
  • 12 Tablespoons of organic lemon juice
  • 1/2 Teaspoon cayenne pepper powder
 I have grade A organic syrup, and I couldn't find organic cayenne pepper, but I guess it's still fine. And 12 tblsp of syrup is way too much, 6 is fine.

Once to Twice a day:
  • 25-35 ounces of water
  • 1 Teaspoon of unrefined non-iodized sea salt
Or laxative tea, but I didn't find any :/

So, to see the future results (optimism here!), I'm posting my mesurements of today, so I have something to compare with in ten days. My scale is too shitty, I don't think it'll show a change, unless I loose 3-5 kg (in my dreams ^^)

Bust: 78cm (30.7)
Waist (at the smallest): 68cm (26.8)
Waist (at the navel): 80cm (31.5) yeah, all my fat is concentrate here :( I never had a flat tummy :/
Hip: 84cm (33.1)
Bum: 94cm (36.2)
Thights: 52cm (20.5)
Calf: 37cm (14.6)
Arms: 26cm (10.2)

and just for fun, because I don't think it can get any smaller,
Wrist: 14cm (5.5)

Pants size: I easely fit into a uk 10, and fit into a 8, but not 'perfectly'
Top size: uk 8 is a bit loose, 6 is perfect.

I will try to last 10 days, but the probleme is that in ten days, my period will be near, and because I bloat like crazy, there're might not be a lot of change, so if I can, I'll try to last untill after my period.

And I forgot to tell you the other day, I cut my hair (never had it this short since I was 5 years old, it about shoulder length) and spent 134£ at Lush. I LOVE that shop. Everything smells so good that it makes me horny after every shower.

Monday, July 25, 2011

Lemonade diet

So, couldn't resist binging and purging. I ate everything in kitchen that was vegan, meaning spaghettis, bananas and nuts. That was a dull binge, and I didn't purge all the spaghettis, I don't know why, but that's the only food that never want to come up :/

Anyhow, starting tomorrow, I'm doing the lemonade master cleanse. But with two breaks, saturday and sunday because my brother want to try an indian and then a japanese restaurant.

I am not going to fail this one! I know that I never succeed at  anything I said so far, bit I will this time, I swear!

Worst week ever

Salut les filles!

You know what? I gained about 3kgs (6lbs)! And I ain't even mad, joking, I'm furious.

The first 3 days were great, I barely ate, and then my mom called,to tell me that Wendy, my beautiful little rat, died, and then BAM! Bingeing and purging for 3 days! And my brother took me to 4 differents restaurants,where I couldn't barf everything...

And this is why I weight about 60kg (about 132  lbs) this morning!
That's okay. I will loose them, even if it takes me a month. 
I only ate some nuts and drank about 12 cups of tea so far today.

I bought pants, uk size 8. I can put them on, but they give me lovehandles, and make my ass look really flat lol
Do you think a size 8 is fat for my heigh? I'd like to fit perfectly into them by September, or better, to find them way too big ^^

I miss Wendy. I wasn't even with her when she died.

Monday, July 18, 2011

I am so tired

I've just spend the last hour barfing everything I had in me, while I could hear my brother and his flamate playing at 'Modern Warfare' in the next room.

I just want everything to stop. 

As long as I remember, I've always had a problem with food. When I was young, the doctor would always say that I was underweighted, that I really needed to eat more. I remember that all I wanted to eat was those little dinausaur shaped biscuits.
After my father left, I started eating, eating and eating. Just before I went to military school, in Aix en Provence, I started making myself sick. I was 15, and weighted 70kg. There, I would skip breakfast, eat less, sometimes I would binge and purge, but it was hard because we had only 6 toilets for 25 girls, and someone was always in. At first I was loosing weight, I think I reached about 65kg. And then it was only binging and binging and binging. I purged, sometimes, but it wasn't changing anything. I stayed 2 years in that school, and did the last year in a public one. That year was the same as the others. After I graduate, I was about 80kg.
I moved to Bordeaux, to study psychology. I was in a student room, with cockroaches and no fridge, or oven...I started loosing a bit of weight. Then a guy raped me. I decided I didn't wanted to study psychology anymore, or leave with fucking cockroaches. 
I moved back to my mom's. My weight didn't really change that year, it was between 78-80kg. 
In May 2010, I went to Rennes. I think that's when my eating disorder took a turn for the worse. More and more purging, less and less eating.

Today I'm 20 and about 58kg, I've never been that thin in years. I can see my ribs, and every bones in my shoulders. I spent the last weekend partying. I don't need to spend money in drinks or food, because guys do it for me without me asking. When we watch a movie, I'm not at the end of the row anymore, I'm in the middle, and they all want to sit next to me, they listen to me when I talk, they ask for my number...
When I walk in the street, men stare at me, wistle... 

Last wednesday I walked past a restaurant, where about 6 young men (from 20 to 25yo I think) were sitting at a table outside. They started calling out for me, asked me to stop and share a drink... and things I didn't understand. They were very loud, everyone that was eating outside in that restaurant and the ones around stoped talking to see what was going on. And then everybody was either smilling or cheering. That was very embarrassing but also very funny and flattering.

 And you know what?  I've never felt so fucking bad in my head or in my body before.

I don't know what to do. I know that if I don't stop, I might  not survive another year. Everytime I binge, I am one step closer to a stomach rupture. I hurt so much, but I can't stop. I'm scared, I wondered everytime if I'm going to die today.

I want to talk about it, but I'm so ashame. My brother is just next to me, it would be so easy to say it. But he wouldn't understand, and he would tell my mom. And she must never know. Last christmas we were watching a documentary on eating disorder, starving, binging, purging, chewing and spitting... She told me that if I ever were like any of those girls, she couldn't be more disapointed in me. And you know what is funny? Everytime she calls me she always want to make sure I didn't gain any weight. She says 'don't stuff yourself', 'don't eat that you're going to get fatter'...
I know I'm a ugly fat cow, I don't need to hear it every day. That's not helping me at all.

I need to write down a meal schedule, that always helps me stop the binging.

  • 8am:
-a coffee with 200ml of unsweetened soy milk. 80cal.
-fruits, but less than 120cal

  • 12am:
-or 1 little iced lolly (lemon 25cal, orange 24cal, strawberry 23cal)

  • 8pm:
- 2 iced loollies (pineapple 56cal, blackcurrant 68cal, orange 49cal, mixed fruits 37cal)

+ tea all day long.

-No eating in between.
-Fasting on mondays and thursdays.
-No barfing my coffee (I tend to do that every morning).

I will buy cereal energy bars for emergency, like heart palpitations, fainting spells...

I have a question. When I starve, I get a lot  of bruises all over my body. Is it the same for you girls?

Thursday, July 14, 2011

La prise de la Bastille

I've just came back from a party to celebrate "la prise de la bastille".
I think I dance like a fucking whore.

tell you more tonight, or tomorrow. partying again starting in 13 hours.

can't remember calories, strawberies, a coffee, grappes and pickles, 4 pringles, 40cal of mango, and some fruits. I would say around 350cal. And then there was half a medium bottle of cider, a little bit of cola and another half of a drink but can't remember what it was. 400cal ??

But that's okay, there was a lot of dancing. 

Wednesday, July 13, 2011

I am still alive.

So, long time no see!

I'm fine... lol, nah, joking, I'm still as fucked up as ever^^ But you like me this way, don't you?

Last time I posted, I was in a devasting binge-purge circle. And I still was until last week. I'm so angry, I was down to 123 or something, and then I went to my sister's, and then to my mom's and then to England (where vegan food is way heasier to find, and there is so many new things to try!) at P's house, where she kept on telling me to eat, making me big meals, overdosing on calories...And I have a probleme with food (no shit sherlock), so when someone tells me it's okay to eat, and gives me food, I eat, and I tend to not stop, at all, until my stomac hurts so much I think I will end up at the hospital (I was sure I was going to die once or twice, scary moments :/) 

I'm back aound 130 lbs now, I think, I don't know. I have a scale here, but it's a really, really old one. It's between 58 and 60kg, it's hard to tell with mechanicals ones. I'm at my brother's, in bristol since last wednesday.  This is why my B&P has stopped. Nobody tells me to eat, nobody's home until 5pm, and when I tell C that I don't feel like eating, he just says 'okay'. PERFECT. And anyway, I don't want to waste money on food when there is so many cute clothes, necklaces, earings... to buy here! I love england!

So, what did I eat today?

-watermelon, 250g, 75cal.
-fruit pastilles lolly, 65ml, 61cal.
-coffee with 200ml of vanilla soy milk, 130cal.
-1 pickle and 10 grapes, and 2 strawberries, around maybe 100cal, I don't really know.

= 366cal but let's just say 'under 400cal' ^^


I clean the bathroom, and let me tell you something... It was horrible. My bother lives with 3 others guys. And I don't think a girl has lived here in ages. So the bathroom (or any other rooms) has not been  properly cleaned in years, seriously, it was so disgusting,  there was this orange thing all over the shower's walls,  and green things in the bottom corners. And stalactis are starting to show on the ceilling...I'm not joking. Yesterday I cleaned the kitchen for 5 hours, I still have half of it to clean.

But I really don't mind, I like cleaning, I like to have everything in order around me, and that way I don't feel useless.

Good night, poupées!

Tuesday, May 3, 2011


I made myself sick 21 times yesterday. I waste about 55euros worth of food.
I don't have any left, apart from jam and peanut butter.

It's 7am and I still can't sleep.

coffee+apple in the morning and mangos and bananas for dinner, starting after I purge the speculoos I just ate.

Sorry for the lame post, I don't feel like putting pretty pictures, I don't feel like anything.
I don't know why I bother with this blog.

Friday, April 29, 2011


My mom just left. When she saw me she said I lost a lot of weight, that I'll become anorexic...
So I ate like a pig.
Sometimes I went to the bathroom and barfed into the sink.

My flatmate is a fucking bitch. But I don't care, in two weeks I'll be gone. I will spend two other weeks at my mom's or at my sister's then I will spend one month in southend on sea and then if I can I will spend the last of my summer vacation with my brother in Bristol.

Can't wait. But I'm afraid I will have to eat.

Tuesday, April 26, 2011

Hey girls!

Long time, I know. I don't have any excuses for my lack of posting. I just wasn't feeling like it.
So last time I told you I wanted to make some changes and to stick to them.

And I did, for... 4 days.

Since then it was bingeing and purging. I'm so tired. I can't tell you what I did this past 3 weeks, all I remember is food, and vomit.
It's so easy for me to purge now.
I sit on my bed, I calmly eat all the food I cooked until I'm full. Then I put the dishes on the floor, take a plastic bag between my legs, drink a mouthful of water, then purge, drink a mouthful of water, then purge, drink a mouthful of water, then purge...

Until I throw up clear water. 
I just need to contract my stomach, and the food comes up as easy as it went down.

Since I last posted I saw the 40's, the 30's and the 20's.

I think I'm between 133 and 130 right now, I don't really know. My scale is nearly dead, sometimes it tells me stuff like 213 or 111.11...
I don't really care anymore.
I don't care about numbers and calories anymore.
I just want to be tiny and small.
The more I  lose, the more I feel fat.
I nearly lost 50lbs since May 2010, and I feel even more ugly, disgusting and fat that I felt back then. And worst of all, I still am a C cup. I want them gone! I want my curves gone. I want poeple to stop looking at me. I want them to stop hurting me, to stop fucking me. I don't want anyone to touch me, ever.
All they want is sex.
I don't want that, it's dirty, disgusting, messy... it hurts and makes me so angry!

I didn't eat anything but apples since sunday.

I'm going crazy. I spend  2 days cleaning everything I could. Everyting is in order around me. It smells like  flowers. I can't stand something that isn't clean or perfectly aligned. I even spend 2 hours cleaning and sharping my drawing pencils.

I guess I just need to have control over something.

I'm waiting for my mom. She is staying with me until thursday. I will have to eat.