Tuesday, April 26, 2011

Hey girls!

Long time, I know. I don't have any excuses for my lack of posting. I just wasn't feeling like it.
So last time I told you I wanted to make some changes and to stick to them.

And I did, for... 4 days.

Since then it was bingeing and purging. I'm so tired. I can't tell you what I did this past 3 weeks, all I remember is food, and vomit.
It's so easy for me to purge now.
I sit on my bed, I calmly eat all the food I cooked until I'm full. Then I put the dishes on the floor, take a plastic bag between my legs, drink a mouthful of water, then purge, drink a mouthful of water, then purge, drink a mouthful of water, then purge...

Until I throw up clear water. 
I just need to contract my stomach, and the food comes up as easy as it went down.

Since I last posted I saw the 40's, the 30's and the 20's.

I think I'm between 133 and 130 right now, I don't really know. My scale is nearly dead, sometimes it tells me stuff like 213 or 111.11...
I don't really care anymore.
I don't care about numbers and calories anymore.
I just want to be tiny and small.
The more I  lose, the more I feel fat.
I nearly lost 50lbs since May 2010, and I feel even more ugly, disgusting and fat that I felt back then. And worst of all, I still am a C cup. I want them gone! I want my curves gone. I want poeple to stop looking at me. I want them to stop hurting me, to stop fucking me. I don't want anyone to touch me, ever.
All they want is sex.
I don't want that, it's dirty, disgusting, messy... it hurts and makes me so angry!

I didn't eat anything but apples since sunday.

I'm going crazy. I spend  2 days cleaning everything I could. Everyting is in order around me. It smells like  flowers. I can't stand something that isn't clean or perfectly aligned. I even spend 2 hours cleaning and sharping my drawing pencils.

I guess I just need to have control over something.

I'm waiting for my mom. She is staying with me until thursday. I will have to eat.

1 comment:

  1. I'm so sorry you're feeling so down. We're here for you. Vent to us.
    No judgements, no prejudices. =)