Sunday, July 31, 2011

Quick update

Sorry, couldn't post earlier. 

So Friday, I ate more than I should have, but that was okay because we did a lot of walking and dancing.
Then yesterday was a disaster, so I'd rather not speak about it :/

Anyway, today is a fast day. And starting Monday, I will do something like:
-fruit juice day (200ml, 3 to 6 times a day)
-eating day (400cal or less)
-fruit juice day
-fruit juice day
-eating day
-fruit juice day

I think you get it. ^^
And if I really want to binge, only on eating days. It's pointless to say that I'm not allowed to, because I will anyways.


Thursday, July 28, 2011

Day 3 of my fast

Good morning!

Okay, so my lemonade master cleanse is more a fast with a pretty name than anything else.
And we all know how bad a fast of more than 2 day is, and how hard not regaining the pounds lost is . I've been reading a lot of things on this cleanse, and conclusion, it's rubbish.

So maybe I'm going to stop today, I don't know. 

Okay, so I need your help girls. Tomorrow, by brother and I, are going to Yo! Sushi. And I am scared as shit. Because last time, we want to Wagamama, I eat a tone (miso soup, rice, ramen, sorbet...) and only purged about half of it (couldn't spend more time in the restroom without looking suspicious).

So first, should I eat a little today and tomorow morning? If I break my fast with a lot of calories but just once, and restart a 2 days fast, would it be worse or better?

And now, down there is the list of what I can eat(vegan) at YO! Sushi, and the calories (yeah, they got the nutritional informations on their website, isn't it awsome?).
In green is what I'd really like to try: 

Miso Soup 57
Vegetable Gyoza 112
Vegetable Yakisoba 206
Vegetable Firecracker Rice 342
Vegetable Tempura 125
Cucumber Maki 94
Kaiso 107

Endaname 122
Kaiso salad 120
Aubergine 83
Crunchy Tofu 104
Fresh fruits  59 
Mochi 130

So what do you think my meal should be?  I really like food, it's relly hard for me to resist,  and I know that when I'm back in France, I won't be able to find stuff like that (it really hard to find vegan food in restaurant).
I know that if I eat too much,I will have to purge, but I won't be able to purge everything so at night I'm going to binge and purge (I know stupid but I can't stop myself).

Sometimes it's not that easy to be me ! ^^

Wednesday, July 27, 2011

Day 2

So, yesterday I didn't drink all 60oz of lemonade. I put too much cayenne pepper, and it was too hot...I only drank about 1/4.
And I did the sea salt thing, it worked in the morning, but last night it didn't. It didn't even make me go pee, so I don't know were the 35oz of salted water have gone!

Today, lemonade, lemonade, lemonade. But I might give up the pepper, it's only here for its vitamines, and take vitamines instead.

I'm happy, yesterday was the first day in a long time that I didn't eat anything! So far it's going great, I'm not too hungry.

Have a good day girls!

Tuesday, July 26, 2011

Day 1

Thanks girls for your lovely comments! They're really motivating me!

Here we are, the lemonade master cleanse.

Per day:
  • 60 ounces of filtered water
  • 12 Tablespoons of organic grade B maple syrup
  • 12 Tablespoons of organic lemon juice
  • 1/2 Teaspoon cayenne pepper powder
 I have grade A organic syrup, and I couldn't find organic cayenne pepper, but I guess it's still fine. And 12 tblsp of syrup is way too much, 6 is fine.

Once to Twice a day:
  • 25-35 ounces of water
  • 1 Teaspoon of unrefined non-iodized sea salt
Or laxative tea, but I didn't find any :/

So, to see the future results (optimism here!), I'm posting my mesurements of today, so I have something to compare with in ten days. My scale is too shitty, I don't think it'll show a change, unless I loose 3-5 kg (in my dreams ^^)

Bust: 78cm (30.7)
Waist (at the smallest): 68cm (26.8)
Waist (at the navel): 80cm (31.5) yeah, all my fat is concentrate here :( I never had a flat tummy :/
Hip: 84cm (33.1)
Bum: 94cm (36.2)
Thights: 52cm (20.5)
Calf: 37cm (14.6)
Arms: 26cm (10.2)

and just for fun, because I don't think it can get any smaller,
Wrist: 14cm (5.5)

Pants size: I easely fit into a uk 10, and fit into a 8, but not 'perfectly'
Top size: uk 8 is a bit loose, 6 is perfect.

I will try to last 10 days, but the probleme is that in ten days, my period will be near, and because I bloat like crazy, there're might not be a lot of change, so if I can, I'll try to last untill after my period.

And I forgot to tell you the other day, I cut my hair (never had it this short since I was 5 years old, it about shoulder length) and spent 134£ at Lush. I LOVE that shop. Everything smells so good that it makes me horny after every shower.

Monday, July 25, 2011

Lemonade diet

So, couldn't resist binging and purging. I ate everything in kitchen that was vegan, meaning spaghettis, bananas and nuts. That was a dull binge, and I didn't purge all the spaghettis, I don't know why, but that's the only food that never want to come up :/

Anyhow, starting tomorrow, I'm doing the lemonade master cleanse. But with two breaks, saturday and sunday because my brother want to try an indian and then a japanese restaurant.

I am not going to fail this one! I know that I never succeed at  anything I said so far, bit I will this time, I swear!

Worst week ever

Salut les filles!

You know what? I gained about 3kgs (6lbs)! And I ain't even mad, joking, I'm furious.

The first 3 days were great, I barely ate, and then my mom called,to tell me that Wendy, my beautiful little rat, died, and then BAM! Bingeing and purging for 3 days! And my brother took me to 4 differents restaurants,where I couldn't barf everything...

And this is why I weight about 60kg (about 132  lbs) this morning!
That's okay. I will loose them, even if it takes me a month. 
I only ate some nuts and drank about 12 cups of tea so far today.

I bought pants, uk size 8. I can put them on, but they give me lovehandles, and make my ass look really flat lol
Do you think a size 8 is fat for my heigh? I'd like to fit perfectly into them by September, or better, to find them way too big ^^

I miss Wendy. I wasn't even with her when she died.

Monday, July 18, 2011

I am so tired

I've just spend the last hour barfing everything I had in me, while I could hear my brother and his flamate playing at 'Modern Warfare' in the next room.

I just want everything to stop. 

As long as I remember, I've always had a problem with food. When I was young, the doctor would always say that I was underweighted, that I really needed to eat more. I remember that all I wanted to eat was those little dinausaur shaped biscuits.
After my father left, I started eating, eating and eating. Just before I went to military school, in Aix en Provence, I started making myself sick. I was 15, and weighted 70kg. There, I would skip breakfast, eat less, sometimes I would binge and purge, but it was hard because we had only 6 toilets for 25 girls, and someone was always in. At first I was loosing weight, I think I reached about 65kg. And then it was only binging and binging and binging. I purged, sometimes, but it wasn't changing anything. I stayed 2 years in that school, and did the last year in a public one. That year was the same as the others. After I graduate, I was about 80kg.
I moved to Bordeaux, to study psychology. I was in a student room, with cockroaches and no fridge, or oven...I started loosing a bit of weight. Then a guy raped me. I decided I didn't wanted to study psychology anymore, or leave with fucking cockroaches. 
I moved back to my mom's. My weight didn't really change that year, it was between 78-80kg. 
In May 2010, I went to Rennes. I think that's when my eating disorder took a turn for the worse. More and more purging, less and less eating.

Today I'm 20 and about 58kg, I've never been that thin in years. I can see my ribs, and every bones in my shoulders. I spent the last weekend partying. I don't need to spend money in drinks or food, because guys do it for me without me asking. When we watch a movie, I'm not at the end of the row anymore, I'm in the middle, and they all want to sit next to me, they listen to me when I talk, they ask for my number...
When I walk in the street, men stare at me, wistle... 

Last wednesday I walked past a restaurant, where about 6 young men (from 20 to 25yo I think) were sitting at a table outside. They started calling out for me, asked me to stop and share a drink... and things I didn't understand. They were very loud, everyone that was eating outside in that restaurant and the ones around stoped talking to see what was going on. And then everybody was either smilling or cheering. That was very embarrassing but also very funny and flattering.

 And you know what?  I've never felt so fucking bad in my head or in my body before.

I don't know what to do. I know that if I don't stop, I might  not survive another year. Everytime I binge, I am one step closer to a stomach rupture. I hurt so much, but I can't stop. I'm scared, I wondered everytime if I'm going to die today.

I want to talk about it, but I'm so ashame. My brother is just next to me, it would be so easy to say it. But he wouldn't understand, and he would tell my mom. And she must never know. Last christmas we were watching a documentary on eating disorder, starving, binging, purging, chewing and spitting... She told me that if I ever were like any of those girls, she couldn't be more disapointed in me. And you know what is funny? Everytime she calls me she always want to make sure I didn't gain any weight. She says 'don't stuff yourself', 'don't eat that you're going to get fatter'...
I know I'm a ugly fat cow, I don't need to hear it every day. That's not helping me at all.

I need to write down a meal schedule, that always helps me stop the binging.

  • 8am:
-a coffee with 200ml of unsweetened soy milk. 80cal.
-fruits, but less than 120cal

  • 12am:
-or 1 little iced lolly (lemon 25cal, orange 24cal, strawberry 23cal)

  • 8pm:
- 2 iced loollies (pineapple 56cal, blackcurrant 68cal, orange 49cal, mixed fruits 37cal)

+ tea all day long.

-No eating in between.
-Fasting on mondays and thursdays.
-No barfing my coffee (I tend to do that every morning).

I will buy cereal energy bars for emergency, like heart palpitations, fainting spells...

I have a question. When I starve, I get a lot  of bruises all over my body. Is it the same for you girls?

Thursday, July 14, 2011

La prise de la Bastille

I've just came back from a party to celebrate "la prise de la bastille".
I think I dance like a fucking whore.

tell you more tonight, or tomorrow. partying again starting in 13 hours.

can't remember calories, strawberies, a coffee, grappes and pickles, 4 pringles, 40cal of mango, and some fruits. I would say around 350cal. And then there was half a medium bottle of cider, a little bit of cola and another half of a drink but can't remember what it was. 400cal ??

But that's okay, there was a lot of dancing. 

Wednesday, July 13, 2011

I am still alive.

So, long time no see!

I'm fine... lol, nah, joking, I'm still as fucked up as ever^^ But you like me this way, don't you?

Last time I posted, I was in a devasting binge-purge circle. And I still was until last week. I'm so angry, I was down to 123 or something, and then I went to my sister's, and then to my mom's and then to England (where vegan food is way heasier to find, and there is so many new things to try!) at P's house, where she kept on telling me to eat, making me big meals, overdosing on calories...And I have a probleme with food (no shit sherlock), so when someone tells me it's okay to eat, and gives me food, I eat, and I tend to not stop, at all, until my stomac hurts so much I think I will end up at the hospital (I was sure I was going to die once or twice, scary moments :/) 

I'm back aound 130 lbs now, I think, I don't know. I have a scale here, but it's a really, really old one. It's between 58 and 60kg, it's hard to tell with mechanicals ones. I'm at my brother's, in bristol since last wednesday.  This is why my B&P has stopped. Nobody tells me to eat, nobody's home until 5pm, and when I tell C that I don't feel like eating, he just says 'okay'. PERFECT. And anyway, I don't want to waste money on food when there is so many cute clothes, necklaces, earings... to buy here! I love england!

So, what did I eat today?

-watermelon, 250g, 75cal.
-fruit pastilles lolly, 65ml, 61cal.
-coffee with 200ml of vanilla soy milk, 130cal.
-1 pickle and 10 grapes, and 2 strawberries, around maybe 100cal, I don't really know.

= 366cal but let's just say 'under 400cal' ^^


I clean the bathroom, and let me tell you something... It was horrible. My bother lives with 3 others guys. And I don't think a girl has lived here in ages. So the bathroom (or any other rooms) has not been  properly cleaned in years, seriously, it was so disgusting,  there was this orange thing all over the shower's walls,  and green things in the bottom corners. And stalactis are starting to show on the ceilling...I'm not joking. Yesterday I cleaned the kitchen for 5 hours, I still have half of it to clean.

But I really don't mind, I like cleaning, I like to have everything in order around me, and that way I don't feel useless.

Good night, poupées!