Wednesday, December 21, 2011

 I bought a food scale, and a bathroom scale. I'm really not happy with what it shows me.

-2 coffees+ 1 pickle: 10

-1 big bowl of vegetables ( 210g potatoes, 80g peas, 85g courgets, 130g mushrooms, 170g carots) + 10g of tomatoe purée+ 30g of alpro soya cream: 385
-100g of  alpro soya yogurt + 75g of bluberries: 90

Then a b&p ...pasta, vegan cheese, yogurt...

It's like I have a little demon in me, reminding me that no, I can't be who I want to be.

Monday, December 19, 2011

I hate myself. Yesterday started well. I had only 300 cal for lunch, only vegetables. But I ate too much, it was only 300cal, but it was a lot of vegetables, and I drank a lot of water. I felt really full. 

I accidently purged. 

I bent down to pick up my fork, and tada! Everything was on the fucking floor.

Then I spend the last 2 days b&p. 
The record to beat is 2 days without binge.

I'm addicted to sugar, seriously. So I bought diet soda, the thing with a lot of aspartame in it. I know it's bad for the health, but when I feel like I need sugar, I drink this and it refrains me from binging. Little by little I will try to use it less and less. But right now I don't see any other solution. I really want to stop b&p!

And I changed my ugw to 100lbs. I know it's too little. But I don't care. I want to disapear.

Saturday, December 17, 2011

2nd day and still no binge! and a picture of me at the strip club


-1 apple: 40
-1 baby banana: 40
-1 coffee: 5

-1 salade (1 small avocado, 3 baby tomatoes, 4 pickles, 2 mushrooms): 220
-1 bowl of vegetables + 1 tsp of olive oil: 100

-10g of macadamia nuts and dried cranberries: 50
-1 baby tomatoe: 2
-1 tea

-1 bowl of vegetables ( carrots, fine beans, mushrooms, potatoes, zucchinis) + 1 tsp of olive oil: 320
-1 infusion

777, so 800cal for today!!
 I'm eating healthy, and even if I feel like it's way too much calories, I need to keep it like this. Once I know for sure that bulimia is 'gone', I will try to eat less.

Here's a picture of me. It was two monthes ago, I lost weight since then.

Friday, December 16, 2011

Good start

Hi girls!
Thanks for your lovely comments. I don't really see me as someone strong. It's just that life is too short for complains and regrets.

So today I had:

-2 coconuts biscuits: 106
-2 Smoothie Fruits, 3-Ounce Pouches: 108
-1 coffee: 5
-1/2 little apple: 25
-1 coconuts biscuit: 53
-1 coffee: 5
-1 baby banana: 40
-10 pickles: 10
-200g of carrots and fine beans + 2 potatoes + 2 mushrooms + 2 tsp of olive oil:  200

So 552, but let's just say 600! And no binging today!!!!
This is so great! This is so amazing. I have been b&p everyday since September, at least 3 times a day.  Everyday I was telling myself "it's the last time"... and I finally did it! 'little victory dance'
I even cooked a healthy dinner... it was delicious! I just need to get ride of the biscuits and the smoothie fruits, because they are not that good and full of sugar, I will try to replace them with fresh fruits once I eat them all^^ don't want to waste food by throwing them away. 

Ahhh! I feel so good and proud of myself right now!

Thursday, December 15, 2011

Remember me?

Yeah, I'm still alive .

The last 4 monthes of my life have been really hard on me. After I went back to France to start a new college year, things got real bad for me, well, it could have been worse, but it wasn't easy.

To sum up, I had no where to sleep, so I slept at friend's, or in youth hostels, or in the street (but that was because a guy at the youth hostel raped me and another one forced me to give him a blow job, I didn't want to come back there so for two days I didn't know where to go).

Anyway, I couldn't continue my studies so I had to stop and find a job.

I was a cleaning lady in a sex shop in the mornings, baby sitter from time to time, and every night I worked as a stripper/hostess in a "bar à champagne" (wine bar). And I prostituted myself.

Then I couldn't take it anymore so I decided to go away for a while. I'm back in England, at my brother's. I'm going to stay here for a while, find a job, and when it gets less cold, I'm going to travel.

I'm so tired of everything, I'm not okay but nobody seems to notice. Don't get me wrong, I love my life, I think I got a good life. The only things I hate are my body, the binging and purging (it's gotten really worse, but i'm working on that) and the fact that even if I'm ugly as fuck, every men I meet want to screw me (I will never trust a man in my life ever again).

But I relly really really love my life. I've grown up a lot those past monthes. I'm not the same girl i was. Bad things happened, I met some wonderful people, and some not so wonderful people, I did things I never thought I would do, i found out that I am damn good at stripping, I also had a lot of fun ..

But I just need to be alone for a while, and think about everything.

Sunday, July 31, 2011

Quick update

Sorry, couldn't post earlier. 

So Friday, I ate more than I should have, but that was okay because we did a lot of walking and dancing.
Then yesterday was a disaster, so I'd rather not speak about it :/

Anyway, today is a fast day. And starting Monday, I will do something like:
-fruit juice day (200ml, 3 to 6 times a day)
-eating day (400cal or less)
-fruit juice day
-fruit juice day
-eating day
-fruit juice day

I think you get it. ^^
And if I really want to binge, only on eating days. It's pointless to say that I'm not allowed to, because I will anyways.


Thursday, July 28, 2011

Day 3 of my fast

Good morning!

Okay, so my lemonade master cleanse is more a fast with a pretty name than anything else.
And we all know how bad a fast of more than 2 day is, and how hard not regaining the pounds lost is . I've been reading a lot of things on this cleanse, and conclusion, it's rubbish.

So maybe I'm going to stop today, I don't know. 

Okay, so I need your help girls. Tomorrow, by brother and I, are going to Yo! Sushi. And I am scared as shit. Because last time, we want to Wagamama, I eat a tone (miso soup, rice, ramen, sorbet...) and only purged about half of it (couldn't spend more time in the restroom without looking suspicious).

So first, should I eat a little today and tomorow morning? If I break my fast with a lot of calories but just once, and restart a 2 days fast, would it be worse or better?

And now, down there is the list of what I can eat(vegan) at YO! Sushi, and the calories (yeah, they got the nutritional informations on their website, isn't it awsome?).
In green is what I'd really like to try: 

Miso Soup 57
Vegetable Gyoza 112
Vegetable Yakisoba 206
Vegetable Firecracker Rice 342
Vegetable Tempura 125
Cucumber Maki 94
Kaiso 107

Endaname 122
Kaiso salad 120
Aubergine 83
Crunchy Tofu 104
Fresh fruits  59 
Mochi 130

So what do you think my meal should be?  I really like food, it's relly hard for me to resist,  and I know that when I'm back in France, I won't be able to find stuff like that (it really hard to find vegan food in restaurant).
I know that if I eat too much,I will have to purge, but I won't be able to purge everything so at night I'm going to binge and purge (I know stupid but I can't stop myself).

Sometimes it's not that easy to be me ! ^^

Wednesday, July 27, 2011

Day 2

So, yesterday I didn't drink all 60oz of lemonade. I put too much cayenne pepper, and it was too hot...I only drank about 1/4.
And I did the sea salt thing, it worked in the morning, but last night it didn't. It didn't even make me go pee, so I don't know were the 35oz of salted water have gone!

Today, lemonade, lemonade, lemonade. But I might give up the pepper, it's only here for its vitamines, and take vitamines instead.

I'm happy, yesterday was the first day in a long time that I didn't eat anything! So far it's going great, I'm not too hungry.

Have a good day girls!

Tuesday, July 26, 2011

Day 1

Thanks girls for your lovely comments! They're really motivating me!

Here we are, the lemonade master cleanse.

Per day:
  • 60 ounces of filtered water
  • 12 Tablespoons of organic grade B maple syrup
  • 12 Tablespoons of organic lemon juice
  • 1/2 Teaspoon cayenne pepper powder
 I have grade A organic syrup, and I couldn't find organic cayenne pepper, but I guess it's still fine. And 12 tblsp of syrup is way too much, 6 is fine.

Once to Twice a day:
  • 25-35 ounces of water
  • 1 Teaspoon of unrefined non-iodized sea salt
Or laxative tea, but I didn't find any :/

So, to see the future results (optimism here!), I'm posting my mesurements of today, so I have something to compare with in ten days. My scale is too shitty, I don't think it'll show a change, unless I loose 3-5 kg (in my dreams ^^)

Bust: 78cm (30.7)
Waist (at the smallest): 68cm (26.8)
Waist (at the navel): 80cm (31.5) yeah, all my fat is concentrate here :( I never had a flat tummy :/
Hip: 84cm (33.1)
Bum: 94cm (36.2)
Thights: 52cm (20.5)
Calf: 37cm (14.6)
Arms: 26cm (10.2)

and just for fun, because I don't think it can get any smaller,
Wrist: 14cm (5.5)

Pants size: I easely fit into a uk 10, and fit into a 8, but not 'perfectly'
Top size: uk 8 is a bit loose, 6 is perfect.

I will try to last 10 days, but the probleme is that in ten days, my period will be near, and because I bloat like crazy, there're might not be a lot of change, so if I can, I'll try to last untill after my period.

And I forgot to tell you the other day, I cut my hair (never had it this short since I was 5 years old, it about shoulder length) and spent 134£ at Lush. I LOVE that shop. Everything smells so good that it makes me horny after every shower.

Monday, July 25, 2011

Lemonade diet

So, couldn't resist binging and purging. I ate everything in kitchen that was vegan, meaning spaghettis, bananas and nuts. That was a dull binge, and I didn't purge all the spaghettis, I don't know why, but that's the only food that never want to come up :/

Anyhow, starting tomorrow, I'm doing the lemonade master cleanse. But with two breaks, saturday and sunday because my brother want to try an indian and then a japanese restaurant.

I am not going to fail this one! I know that I never succeed at  anything I said so far, bit I will this time, I swear!

Worst week ever

Salut les filles!

You know what? I gained about 3kgs (6lbs)! And I ain't even mad, joking, I'm furious.

The first 3 days were great, I barely ate, and then my mom called,to tell me that Wendy, my beautiful little rat, died, and then BAM! Bingeing and purging for 3 days! And my brother took me to 4 differents restaurants,where I couldn't barf everything...

And this is why I weight about 60kg (about 132  lbs) this morning!
That's okay. I will loose them, even if it takes me a month. 
I only ate some nuts and drank about 12 cups of tea so far today.

I bought pants, uk size 8. I can put them on, but they give me lovehandles, and make my ass look really flat lol
Do you think a size 8 is fat for my heigh? I'd like to fit perfectly into them by September, or better, to find them way too big ^^

I miss Wendy. I wasn't even with her when she died.

Monday, July 18, 2011

I am so tired

I've just spend the last hour barfing everything I had in me, while I could hear my brother and his flamate playing at 'Modern Warfare' in the next room.

I just want everything to stop. 

As long as I remember, I've always had a problem with food. When I was young, the doctor would always say that I was underweighted, that I really needed to eat more. I remember that all I wanted to eat was those little dinausaur shaped biscuits.
After my father left, I started eating, eating and eating. Just before I went to military school, in Aix en Provence, I started making myself sick. I was 15, and weighted 70kg. There, I would skip breakfast, eat less, sometimes I would binge and purge, but it was hard because we had only 6 toilets for 25 girls, and someone was always in. At first I was loosing weight, I think I reached about 65kg. And then it was only binging and binging and binging. I purged, sometimes, but it wasn't changing anything. I stayed 2 years in that school, and did the last year in a public one. That year was the same as the others. After I graduate, I was about 80kg.
I moved to Bordeaux, to study psychology. I was in a student room, with cockroaches and no fridge, or oven...I started loosing a bit of weight. Then a guy raped me. I decided I didn't wanted to study psychology anymore, or leave with fucking cockroaches. 
I moved back to my mom's. My weight didn't really change that year, it was between 78-80kg. 
In May 2010, I went to Rennes. I think that's when my eating disorder took a turn for the worse. More and more purging, less and less eating.

Today I'm 20 and about 58kg, I've never been that thin in years. I can see my ribs, and every bones in my shoulders. I spent the last weekend partying. I don't need to spend money in drinks or food, because guys do it for me without me asking. When we watch a movie, I'm not at the end of the row anymore, I'm in the middle, and they all want to sit next to me, they listen to me when I talk, they ask for my number...
When I walk in the street, men stare at me, wistle... 

Last wednesday I walked past a restaurant, where about 6 young men (from 20 to 25yo I think) were sitting at a table outside. They started calling out for me, asked me to stop and share a drink... and things I didn't understand. They were very loud, everyone that was eating outside in that restaurant and the ones around stoped talking to see what was going on. And then everybody was either smilling or cheering. That was very embarrassing but also very funny and flattering.

 And you know what?  I've never felt so fucking bad in my head or in my body before.

I don't know what to do. I know that if I don't stop, I might  not survive another year. Everytime I binge, I am one step closer to a stomach rupture. I hurt so much, but I can't stop. I'm scared, I wondered everytime if I'm going to die today.

I want to talk about it, but I'm so ashame. My brother is just next to me, it would be so easy to say it. But he wouldn't understand, and he would tell my mom. And she must never know. Last christmas we were watching a documentary on eating disorder, starving, binging, purging, chewing and spitting... She told me that if I ever were like any of those girls, she couldn't be more disapointed in me. And you know what is funny? Everytime she calls me she always want to make sure I didn't gain any weight. She says 'don't stuff yourself', 'don't eat that you're going to get fatter'...
I know I'm a ugly fat cow, I don't need to hear it every day. That's not helping me at all.

I need to write down a meal schedule, that always helps me stop the binging.

  • 8am:
-a coffee with 200ml of unsweetened soy milk. 80cal.
-fruits, but less than 120cal

  • 12am:
-or 1 little iced lolly (lemon 25cal, orange 24cal, strawberry 23cal)

  • 8pm:
- 2 iced loollies (pineapple 56cal, blackcurrant 68cal, orange 49cal, mixed fruits 37cal)

+ tea all day long.

-No eating in between.
-Fasting on mondays and thursdays.
-No barfing my coffee (I tend to do that every morning).

I will buy cereal energy bars for emergency, like heart palpitations, fainting spells...

I have a question. When I starve, I get a lot  of bruises all over my body. Is it the same for you girls?

Thursday, July 14, 2011

La prise de la Bastille

I've just came back from a party to celebrate "la prise de la bastille".
I think I dance like a fucking whore.

tell you more tonight, or tomorrow. partying again starting in 13 hours.

can't remember calories, strawberies, a coffee, grappes and pickles, 4 pringles, 40cal of mango, and some fruits. I would say around 350cal. And then there was half a medium bottle of cider, a little bit of cola and another half of a drink but can't remember what it was. 400cal ??

But that's okay, there was a lot of dancing. 

Wednesday, July 13, 2011

I am still alive.

So, long time no see!

I'm fine... lol, nah, joking, I'm still as fucked up as ever^^ But you like me this way, don't you?

Last time I posted, I was in a devasting binge-purge circle. And I still was until last week. I'm so angry, I was down to 123 or something, and then I went to my sister's, and then to my mom's and then to England (where vegan food is way heasier to find, and there is so many new things to try!) at P's house, where she kept on telling me to eat, making me big meals, overdosing on calories...And I have a probleme with food (no shit sherlock), so when someone tells me it's okay to eat, and gives me food, I eat, and I tend to not stop, at all, until my stomac hurts so much I think I will end up at the hospital (I was sure I was going to die once or twice, scary moments :/) 

I'm back aound 130 lbs now, I think, I don't know. I have a scale here, but it's a really, really old one. It's between 58 and 60kg, it's hard to tell with mechanicals ones. I'm at my brother's, in bristol since last wednesday.  This is why my B&P has stopped. Nobody tells me to eat, nobody's home until 5pm, and when I tell C that I don't feel like eating, he just says 'okay'. PERFECT. And anyway, I don't want to waste money on food when there is so many cute clothes, necklaces, earings... to buy here! I love england!

So, what did I eat today?

-watermelon, 250g, 75cal.
-fruit pastilles lolly, 65ml, 61cal.
-coffee with 200ml of vanilla soy milk, 130cal.
-1 pickle and 10 grapes, and 2 strawberries, around maybe 100cal, I don't really know.

= 366cal but let's just say 'under 400cal' ^^


I clean the bathroom, and let me tell you something... It was horrible. My bother lives with 3 others guys. And I don't think a girl has lived here in ages. So the bathroom (or any other rooms) has not been  properly cleaned in years, seriously, it was so disgusting,  there was this orange thing all over the shower's walls,  and green things in the bottom corners. And stalactis are starting to show on the ceilling...I'm not joking. Yesterday I cleaned the kitchen for 5 hours, I still have half of it to clean.

But I really don't mind, I like cleaning, I like to have everything in order around me, and that way I don't feel useless.

Good night, poupées!

Tuesday, May 3, 2011


I made myself sick 21 times yesterday. I waste about 55euros worth of food.
I don't have any left, apart from jam and peanut butter.

It's 7am and I still can't sleep.

coffee+apple in the morning and mangos and bananas for dinner, starting after I purge the speculoos I just ate.

Sorry for the lame post, I don't feel like putting pretty pictures, I don't feel like anything.
I don't know why I bother with this blog.

Friday, April 29, 2011


My mom just left. When she saw me she said I lost a lot of weight, that I'll become anorexic...
So I ate like a pig.
Sometimes I went to the bathroom and barfed into the sink.

My flatmate is a fucking bitch. But I don't care, in two weeks I'll be gone. I will spend two other weeks at my mom's or at my sister's then I will spend one month in southend on sea and then if I can I will spend the last of my summer vacation with my brother in Bristol.

Can't wait. But I'm afraid I will have to eat.

Tuesday, April 26, 2011

Hey girls!

Long time, I know. I don't have any excuses for my lack of posting. I just wasn't feeling like it.
So last time I told you I wanted to make some changes and to stick to them.

And I did, for... 4 days.

Since then it was bingeing and purging. I'm so tired. I can't tell you what I did this past 3 weeks, all I remember is food, and vomit.
It's so easy for me to purge now.
I sit on my bed, I calmly eat all the food I cooked until I'm full. Then I put the dishes on the floor, take a plastic bag between my legs, drink a mouthful of water, then purge, drink a mouthful of water, then purge, drink a mouthful of water, then purge...

Until I throw up clear water. 
I just need to contract my stomach, and the food comes up as easy as it went down.

Since I last posted I saw the 40's, the 30's and the 20's.

I think I'm between 133 and 130 right now, I don't really know. My scale is nearly dead, sometimes it tells me stuff like 213 or 111.11...
I don't really care anymore.
I don't care about numbers and calories anymore.
I just want to be tiny and small.
The more I  lose, the more I feel fat.
I nearly lost 50lbs since May 2010, and I feel even more ugly, disgusting and fat that I felt back then. And worst of all, I still am a C cup. I want them gone! I want my curves gone. I want poeple to stop looking at me. I want them to stop hurting me, to stop fucking me. I don't want anyone to touch me, ever.
All they want is sex.
I don't want that, it's dirty, disgusting, messy... it hurts and makes me so angry!

I didn't eat anything but apples since sunday.

I'm going crazy. I spend  2 days cleaning everything I could. Everyting is in order around me. It smells like  flowers. I can't stand something that isn't clean or perfectly aligned. I even spend 2 hours cleaning and sharping my drawing pencils.

I guess I just need to have control over something.

I'm waiting for my mom. She is staying with me until thursday. I will have to eat.

Wednesday, March 30, 2011


Salut tous le monde!

First, I am stupid. Never, ever ever lose 11 pounds in ten days. Ever.

On Monday I couldn't do anything without getting dizzy. I fainted once, resulting in a big bruise on my cheek, and red marks on my neck (I don't know where those came from!). I stayed in bed all day. Then I couldn't sleep, but I had to go to the Uni in the morning. Sleepless night.

I walked the 6,5 kilometers, everything was fine. But in English class, I got really dizzy. I started having trouble breathing, and I had a funny feeling in my hands and on my face, like pins and needles. So I asked to go outside.

People noticed I lost a lot of weight (they haven't seen me since Thursday, 2 weeks ago) and of course, I had to wear my new SpongeBob shirt that makes me look skinnier. I wear baggy clothes most of the time. So the difference was noticeable. A friend stayed with me outside until I was feeling better, and she kept on asking if I ate something that morning.

And the bruise and marks didn't improve my situation. I was feeling like shit, I was looking like shit, they were all staring at me like I was a freak or something. And the teacher (who is really nice and funny btw) kept on throwing me those strange look every two minutes.

After two very awkward hours, I went home, illegally taking the bus because I didn't have a ticket (I'm such a badass)

So I ate a lot. Because I was afraid that something was really wrong with me, and today I binged and purged, and I plan on bingeing and purging tomorrow too. I didn't count the calories, but it was a lot.

I don't care if I gained weight, I'm too scared of dying. I know, it's irrational, but those last few days, my heart kept on doing strange things, and breathing gets hard sometimes.

So, tomorrow I will binge, but after that I'll try to be healthier. I bought vitamins, and a lot of nuts. I know they are high in calories, but they are also good for your body.

I'm tired of thinking about food everyday. I've already lost 5 years of my life because of that. I'm hardly going to classes anymore, and I won't pass my exams this years, so I will have to study twice as much next year.

It's time I get my life back.

I want to be the ambitious, smart girl I once was. I'm so disappointed and angry for being who I am today, so selfish, so stupid...

I know not everything will change in a day, and I might not get better, I might be thinking that tonight, and tomorrow I will say fuck that I want to be skinny, screw my health!

But right now, this minute, I know I need to change a few things, and that I can't keep on doing this to my body, to my mind.

I love life, I want to be an entomologist, I want to travel around the world, to see and experience new things, to fall in love, to have a kid or two...

From now on, every morning I will eat nuts and take my vitamins, and I will eat fruits the rest of the day. I know it's not a lot of changes. But I still want to lose weight, and I know that if I gain, I will be upset and do stupid this like last week.

I won't count calories anymore and I won't weight myself every hours. I will weight myself every Monday morning, and that's it.

Sorry if I don't read and comment your blogs this week girls, but I don't think it's a good thing for me to do if I want to stop my obsession with food. I hope you understand.

I will still post (only on Mondays and maybe Wednesdays) and still tell you of my weight and what I eat, but I won't talk about calories.

Just one last thing, why nobody told me the word ananas wasn't used in English? I feel embarrassed, I know Ananas = Pineapple in French, but I really thought you could also use the word ananas in English!

And please, tell me If I make big mistakes like that, or keep on getting a word wrong time after time.

Passez une bonne nuit!

Sunday, March 27, 2011

Recap of the week !!!

Weight: 137lbs

Monday: 145.2
Tuesday: 143.8
Wednesday: 140.8
Thursday: 138.8
Friday: 138.6
Saturday: 138.2
Sunday: 137
- 93cal

I ate about 1854cal. The guy in Superzise VS Superskinny would say "undereat of 6 days a week". Damn that's scary !!!!

Maybe I'm going to eat a banana later tonight, I'm really hungry, and I got some pretty bad hunger pains right now.
It was a really good week, at least for my weight. Remember Wednesday, one and a half week ago? I didn't want to tell you how much I weighted? Well, I was at 148! So I  lost 11 pounds in 10 days. But the first few pounds were actually water (bloating) weight I think.
I never tought I could lose so much in so little time! 

Now, I'm sure everyone is wondering what I did this weekend ;) 
Saturday, I watched Spongebob, again. And I ate 180g of Spongebob's house (ananas)
Today, I watched Spongebob, again. And I ate 190g of Spongebob's house (ananas)

Btw, my foot is feeling so much better, just a sharp pain from time to time. It might not have been a stress fracture after all! stupid doctor...

Now schedule for the next week. 
I have 4 bananas (or maybe 3) and 4 apples left untill next wednesday. I think I'll try to eat more. And I will also try to eat my pizza and my french toats. I'm not giving up on them lol.
Monday: 2 bananas and 1 apple
Tuesday: 2 apples and 1 banana
Wednesday: (1 banana) and 1 apple. And maybe french toats, but no purging!

I still don't know for the rest of the week, I'll tell you after the grocery shopping in 3 days.

And thanks for all the very appreciated comments, and new followers!!