Monday, July 18, 2011

I am so tired

I've just spend the last hour barfing everything I had in me, while I could hear my brother and his flamate playing at 'Modern Warfare' in the next room.

I just want everything to stop. 

As long as I remember, I've always had a problem with food. When I was young, the doctor would always say that I was underweighted, that I really needed to eat more. I remember that all I wanted to eat was those little dinausaur shaped biscuits.
After my father left, I started eating, eating and eating. Just before I went to military school, in Aix en Provence, I started making myself sick. I was 15, and weighted 70kg. There, I would skip breakfast, eat less, sometimes I would binge and purge, but it was hard because we had only 6 toilets for 25 girls, and someone was always in. At first I was loosing weight, I think I reached about 65kg. And then it was only binging and binging and binging. I purged, sometimes, but it wasn't changing anything. I stayed 2 years in that school, and did the last year in a public one. That year was the same as the others. After I graduate, I was about 80kg.
I moved to Bordeaux, to study psychology. I was in a student room, with cockroaches and no fridge, or oven...I started loosing a bit of weight. Then a guy raped me. I decided I didn't wanted to study psychology anymore, or leave with fucking cockroaches. 
I moved back to my mom's. My weight didn't really change that year, it was between 78-80kg. 
In May 2010, I went to Rennes. I think that's when my eating disorder took a turn for the worse. More and more purging, less and less eating.

Today I'm 20 and about 58kg, I've never been that thin in years. I can see my ribs, and every bones in my shoulders. I spent the last weekend partying. I don't need to spend money in drinks or food, because guys do it for me without me asking. When we watch a movie, I'm not at the end of the row anymore, I'm in the middle, and they all want to sit next to me, they listen to me when I talk, they ask for my number...
When I walk in the street, men stare at me, wistle... 

Last wednesday I walked past a restaurant, where about 6 young men (from 20 to 25yo I think) were sitting at a table outside. They started calling out for me, asked me to stop and share a drink... and things I didn't understand. They were very loud, everyone that was eating outside in that restaurant and the ones around stoped talking to see what was going on. And then everybody was either smilling or cheering. That was very embarrassing but also very funny and flattering.

 And you know what?  I've never felt so fucking bad in my head or in my body before.

I don't know what to do. I know that if I don't stop, I might  not survive another year. Everytime I binge, I am one step closer to a stomach rupture. I hurt so much, but I can't stop. I'm scared, I wondered everytime if I'm going to die today.

I want to talk about it, but I'm so ashame. My brother is just next to me, it would be so easy to say it. But he wouldn't understand, and he would tell my mom. And she must never know. Last christmas we were watching a documentary on eating disorder, starving, binging, purging, chewing and spitting... She told me that if I ever were like any of those girls, she couldn't be more disapointed in me. And you know what is funny? Everytime she calls me she always want to make sure I didn't gain any weight. She says 'don't stuff yourself', 'don't eat that you're going to get fatter'...
I know I'm a ugly fat cow, I don't need to hear it every day. That's not helping me at all.

I need to write down a meal schedule, that always helps me stop the binging.

  • 8am:
-a coffee with 200ml of unsweetened soy milk. 80cal.
-fruits, but less than 120cal

  • 12am:
-or 1 little iced lolly (lemon 25cal, orange 24cal, strawberry 23cal)

  • 8pm:
- 2 iced loollies (pineapple 56cal, blackcurrant 68cal, orange 49cal, mixed fruits 37cal)

+ tea all day long.

-No eating in between.
-Fasting on mondays and thursdays.
-No barfing my coffee (I tend to do that every morning).

I will buy cereal energy bars for emergency, like heart palpitations, fainting spells...

I have a question. When I starve, I get a lot  of bruises all over my body. Is it the same for you girls?


  1. I can't even begin to imagine what you went through :( But I'm sure your mum would think differently if she knew; she probably said that because she thinks you don't and because she doesn't understand it. Maybe contact one of the ED organisations- like BEAT- if you need to talk? You don't need to be ashamed of it xx

  2. These pressures we're put friends, strangers, even out own mothers. No wonder we're so fucked up over food. I agree with Little Miss Thin. If your mom knew you personally had an ED maybe she would understand instead of criticizing an abstract idea she saw in a movie.

  3. YES. ive been wanting to ask someone for ages about that, the bruising. Its everywhere, and really bad. thank god its not just me. Your mum sounds like a lot of pressure but i do get why i wouldnt tell her, i dont know what i would do if anyone found out. Much love, be strong and smile :) xx

  4. I hope you start feeling as amazing as I'm sure you look girlie ): stay strong and you'll make it, we all will eventually