Friday, June 29, 2012

Well, I guess it could be worse.

 I am 143.2 lbs

I can't believe I'm back in the 40's. By Monday I better be out of it.

Anyway, I almost binge today. By the way, yesterday I didn't binge and purge, I'm so pride of myself, first time in months. But back to today. I went for a walk, and I ended up in front of M&S. Fuck, I ate a vegan samosa. 

So I told myself, what's the point, let's eat all the food!

But I didn't. I spend 1h30 putting food in the bag, then I removed them, and put other stuffs in, then not. In the end I quickly grab some vegetables and rice noodles, payed and run out of the shop.

That was close. And if someone was watching the security camera video, they must what a nutcase.

I'm not eating more today. I had some soup 150, the famous samosa 230 and a bag of fruit 70. So 450 calories for today.

Thursday, June 28, 2012

Well...'s not fucking good.
I went to my friend's house to get the stuff I left there 3 months ago. And my scale.
And I really really really don't like the numbers I'm seeing.

I gained 17 fucking pounds.

Putain de merde d'enculé d'sa mere! Fais chier!!


I am so done eating. Today I had some bread and jam, and a bag of cherries. It's about 400calories I think. I walked for 5 hours, and I plane to do some pole dancing, like every nights.

I need to lose at least 10 pounds in two weeks.

You know what's strange? My clothes from 3 months ago still fit me.

Tuesday, June 26, 2012


I ate 2 apples, a bowl of soup, and way too much bread. I only purged once, a new record as I've been throwing up between 4 and 10 times everyday for the past months.

I think I am bellow the 1000 calories, I don't know, I hope...

Also I consumed way too much coffee and cigarets.

I laugh for 15 minutes because of a silly moody cat, then 1 hour later I was in the bathtub crying hysterically.

Monday, June 25, 2012

Hey everyone.

I know, last time I said I was done with this shit.
But as I never actually deleted this blog, I guess I subconsciously knew that it wouldn't be that easy.
I'm back in this fucking game, never really gave up, as I've been throwing up everyday for the past few months.

So last time I was living with my brother in England.
I'm still in England. I got the job as an au pair, but he was a single father and really inappropriate with me. I last for a month and an half. He didn't fucking payed me.
A girl told me I could crash at her place after that, I only had 150£ left, no job, no home.
I found a job in the kitchen in a restaurant, as a cooker. I was told everyday by the boss that I was slow, a disaster, worth nothing... I lasted a week. he didn't fucking payed me.
So I was still with no job, with less than 10£ remaining, and my friend was throwing me out of her place... never gave me a reason why, I was never there for fuck's sake.

So what did I do? I went to work in a fucking brothel. A massage parlor.

I lived there for two weeks, the time to have enough money for a month deposit and the rent. All I did was fuck, sleep, fuck, sleep...

My first customer was drunk, he barfed in the shower.
The second on was really big, he hurt me so much I was crying, he didn't give a fuck and laugh.

I got used to it. And as I was really busy, I was making good money. The other girls hated me, because men loved me. I'm not bragging, but that's the truth. I hate myself, my body, my face... when I look at the mirror, I cried, I'm so fucking ugly I want to hide from the world. But nobody see that, they all say "cute, nice girl, pretty, bubbly personality, amazing eyes, long legs, beautiful smile, perfect body, funny, friendly..." I never believe them.

I quit 3 weeks ago. I live with my ex-boss best friends. They are really nice

I got a pole in my room, in less than a month I will go work in a strip club. I need to get in shape and lost weight, duh. I gained way too much weight when I was working at the brothel. I don't know how much I am, and I'm to afraid to find the answer.

I'm such a cliché. The prostitute with eating disorder, insomnia, self harming and years of child sexual abuse behind her.

My life is just a big fat joke. I can't wait for everything to be over, to be old and weak and wrinkled and to be able to say that I made it that far, and everything was worth it.

Sorry if I swear a lot.