Monday, June 25, 2012

Hey everyone.

I know, last time I said I was done with this shit.
But as I never actually deleted this blog, I guess I subconsciously knew that it wouldn't be that easy.
I'm back in this fucking game, never really gave up, as I've been throwing up everyday for the past few months.

So last time I was living with my brother in England.
I'm still in England. I got the job as an au pair, but he was a single father and really inappropriate with me. I last for a month and an half. He didn't fucking payed me.
A girl told me I could crash at her place after that, I only had 150£ left, no job, no home.
I found a job in the kitchen in a restaurant, as a cooker. I was told everyday by the boss that I was slow, a disaster, worth nothing... I lasted a week. he didn't fucking payed me.
So I was still with no job, with less than 10£ remaining, and my friend was throwing me out of her place... never gave me a reason why, I was never there for fuck's sake.

So what did I do? I went to work in a fucking brothel. A massage parlor.

I lived there for two weeks, the time to have enough money for a month deposit and the rent. All I did was fuck, sleep, fuck, sleep...

My first customer was drunk, he barfed in the shower.
The second on was really big, he hurt me so much I was crying, he didn't give a fuck and laugh.

I got used to it. And as I was really busy, I was making good money. The other girls hated me, because men loved me. I'm not bragging, but that's the truth. I hate myself, my body, my face... when I look at the mirror, I cried, I'm so fucking ugly I want to hide from the world. But nobody see that, they all say "cute, nice girl, pretty, bubbly personality, amazing eyes, long legs, beautiful smile, perfect body, funny, friendly..." I never believe them.

I quit 3 weeks ago. I live with my ex-boss best friends. They are really nice

I got a pole in my room, in less than a month I will go work in a strip club. I need to get in shape and lost weight, duh. I gained way too much weight when I was working at the brothel. I don't know how much I am, and I'm to afraid to find the answer.

I'm such a cliché. The prostitute with eating disorder, insomnia, self harming and years of child sexual abuse behind her.

My life is just a big fat joke. I can't wait for everything to be over, to be old and weak and wrinkled and to be able to say that I made it that far, and everything was worth it.

Sorry if I swear a lot.


  1. Thank you for the comment on my blog. It was blunt and I needed that. It's very motivating.

    As for yourself don't sell yourself short. Don't work in a brothel.. I know you didn't have much of a choice then, sounds like your life has been crazy lately.. I hope you save enough money to get back on your feet and hopefully find a better job! Don't disrespect yourself anymore.

  2. <-- is a stripper in recovery from eating/self-harm/mental disorders. She finds stripping really empowering, so who knows, maybe you will too! I'm sorry that you had to endure so much these last few months, but you're so unbelievably strong! You made it through, and that's what matters. xx

    1. thanks for the link.
      i do enjoy pole dancing, but what i don't like is when the boss give you a condom and tell u to make this customer happy.
      but pole dancing is awesome!

  3. You're so strong; it's one of the reasons I've admired you since the beginning. I hope you find a better job soon, one that benefits you and rewards you :) xxx