Wednesday, December 21, 2011

 I bought a food scale, and a bathroom scale. I'm really not happy with what it shows me.

-2 coffees+ 1 pickle: 10

-1 big bowl of vegetables ( 210g potatoes, 80g peas, 85g courgets, 130g mushrooms, 170g carots) + 10g of tomatoe purée+ 30g of alpro soya cream: 385
-100g of  alpro soya yogurt + 75g of bluberries: 90

Then a b&p ...pasta, vegan cheese, yogurt...

It's like I have a little demon in me, reminding me that no, I can't be who I want to be.

Monday, December 19, 2011

I hate myself. Yesterday started well. I had only 300 cal for lunch, only vegetables. But I ate too much, it was only 300cal, but it was a lot of vegetables, and I drank a lot of water. I felt really full. 

I accidently purged. 

I bent down to pick up my fork, and tada! Everything was on the fucking floor.

Then I spend the last 2 days b&p. 
The record to beat is 2 days without binge.

I'm addicted to sugar, seriously. So I bought diet soda, the thing with a lot of aspartame in it. I know it's bad for the health, but when I feel like I need sugar, I drink this and it refrains me from binging. Little by little I will try to use it less and less. But right now I don't see any other solution. I really want to stop b&p!

And I changed my ugw to 100lbs. I know it's too little. But I don't care. I want to disapear.

Saturday, December 17, 2011

2nd day and still no binge! and a picture of me at the strip club


-1 apple: 40
-1 baby banana: 40
-1 coffee: 5

-1 salade (1 small avocado, 3 baby tomatoes, 4 pickles, 2 mushrooms): 220
-1 bowl of vegetables + 1 tsp of olive oil: 100

-10g of macadamia nuts and dried cranberries: 50
-1 baby tomatoe: 2
-1 tea

-1 bowl of vegetables ( carrots, fine beans, mushrooms, potatoes, zucchinis) + 1 tsp of olive oil: 320
-1 infusion

777, so 800cal for today!!
 I'm eating healthy, and even if I feel like it's way too much calories, I need to keep it like this. Once I know for sure that bulimia is 'gone', I will try to eat less.

Here's a picture of me. It was two monthes ago, I lost weight since then.

Friday, December 16, 2011

Good start

Hi girls!
Thanks for your lovely comments. I don't really see me as someone strong. It's just that life is too short for complains and regrets.

So today I had:

-2 coconuts biscuits: 106
-2 Smoothie Fruits, 3-Ounce Pouches: 108
-1 coffee: 5
-1/2 little apple: 25
-1 coconuts biscuit: 53
-1 coffee: 5
-1 baby banana: 40
-10 pickles: 10
-200g of carrots and fine beans + 2 potatoes + 2 mushrooms + 2 tsp of olive oil:  200

So 552, but let's just say 600! And no binging today!!!!
This is so great! This is so amazing. I have been b&p everyday since September, at least 3 times a day.  Everyday I was telling myself "it's the last time"... and I finally did it! 'little victory dance'
I even cooked a healthy dinner... it was delicious! I just need to get ride of the biscuits and the smoothie fruits, because they are not that good and full of sugar, I will try to replace them with fresh fruits once I eat them all^^ don't want to waste food by throwing them away. 

Ahhh! I feel so good and proud of myself right now!

Thursday, December 15, 2011

Remember me?

Yeah, I'm still alive .

The last 4 monthes of my life have been really hard on me. After I went back to France to start a new college year, things got real bad for me, well, it could have been worse, but it wasn't easy.

To sum up, I had no where to sleep, so I slept at friend's, or in youth hostels, or in the street (but that was because a guy at the youth hostel raped me and another one forced me to give him a blow job, I didn't want to come back there so for two days I didn't know where to go).

Anyway, I couldn't continue my studies so I had to stop and find a job.

I was a cleaning lady in a sex shop in the mornings, baby sitter from time to time, and every night I worked as a stripper/hostess in a "bar à champagne" (wine bar). And I prostituted myself.

Then I couldn't take it anymore so I decided to go away for a while. I'm back in England, at my brother's. I'm going to stay here for a while, find a job, and when it gets less cold, I'm going to travel.

I'm so tired of everything, I'm not okay but nobody seems to notice. Don't get me wrong, I love my life, I think I got a good life. The only things I hate are my body, the binging and purging (it's gotten really worse, but i'm working on that) and the fact that even if I'm ugly as fuck, every men I meet want to screw me (I will never trust a man in my life ever again).

But I relly really really love my life. I've grown up a lot those past monthes. I'm not the same girl i was. Bad things happened, I met some wonderful people, and some not so wonderful people, I did things I never thought I would do, i found out that I am damn good at stripping, I also had a lot of fun ..

But I just need to be alone for a while, and think about everything.