Monday, February 28, 2011

Recap of the week

France, 2:30pm

Weight: 141lbs

So, this week was okay. 

I binged 3 times (on cereals and vegetables), and last night binge really scared me, I hurt myself pretty bad so I really need to stop doing that. I throw away all the food I still had,  apart from green beans. I will try to fast as much as I can, the only things I will buy are juices, and some fruits. 

I got one week break and my flatmate isn't here. That means I have the flat for myself, so nobody to hear me puke. That's why I don't trust myself with food right now. All I want to do since she went away is stuff myself with vegan burggers and french fries.

And I need new clothes. That's funny, I know I lost a lot of weight, but when I look in the mirror, I don't see a change. All I see is fat, fat, fat... And that disgust me and I can't believe I was 30lbs heavier only monthes ago! I mean I'm so ugly now, I don't even want to know what I looked like before, I'm glad I don't have any pictures!
Anyway, I might not see a change, but my pants do. Even my panties do. And I don't want to go shopping because I'm fat.


Monday, February 21, 2011

Recap of 21/02/11 and schedule for the week

France, 9:30pm

Weight: 145.6lbs

I ate bread and cereals.
That makes about 500kcal for today. 
I walked 6km. Then it started raining, so I had to take the bus.

I'm glad, I only gained 1lbs in 3 days of binge and barf!
I did the groceries and only bought what I needed this week, and I have nothing else in my flat apart from 3 peppers. That way, it might prevent me from bingeing.

So, my meal schedule for the week. I will try to stick to that, but I might eat some fruits if I really get hungry.  

40g of cereals with soy yogurt(200)
265g of lentils(210)

40g of cereals with soy yogurt(200)
140g of peas(110) 

40g of cereals with soy yogurt(200)
140g of peas(110) 
265g of carrots(60)

40g of cereals with soy yogurt(200)
265g of lentils(210)

40g of cereals with soy yogurt(200)
440g of green beans(90)
 265g of potatoes(160)

40g of cereals with soy yogurt(200) 
140g of peas(110) 
265g of potatoes(160)

Sunday, February 20, 2011

I fucked up

France, 4pm

For the last two days, I binged, purged, binged, purged... all day.
Must be a new record.
I bet I undid all the work I did this week. I'm afraid to see what the scale tells me.

And I got my period, my tummy hurts so much I can barely move my legs, (is it just me or do your upper thighs hurt too when you have your period?) I feel  like crap, I look like crap, I got diarrhea, acne, sore breasts ... This time of the month is an horrible time for me.
At least I'm too sick to eat. Scratch that, I want something sugary.

Anyway, tomorrow is a new day,and a good day to start over!
I will try to walk to and back from my classes instead of taking the bus. It makes about 10km.
I will eat 40g-50g of cereals every morning with a fruit, for lunch and dinner I will stick with 1 can of vegetable per day (beans, peas, tomatoes, lentils...). And for snacks, raw carrots or fruits.
I would like to lose about 2lbs a week.

I really need to lose as much weight as possible before june. I'm going to the UK for summer break. Clothes are way cheaper there than in France, so I will buy my new wardrobe in England. My borther(C) lives in Bristol and a friend of my mom(P) lives in Southend on sea. I love that city. 

But I'm afraid I will gain a lot of weight once I'm there. I will have to eat every meal with C or P.

With my brother it's okay, I can tell him that I only eat fruit salads, smoothies and raw vegetables, it's summer and I don't need to eat a lot, he's a guy, I don't think he will notice.
But with P it's different. She likes to cook things for me. She hasn't seen me since I was 180lbs (my bro last saw me at 150) I'm afraid she will notice something. That's why I won't stay long at her place, 2 weeks (If I don't find a job there) and then I'll go at C's. Or I might do some couch surfing and stay in London for a few days. Does anyone live in London? 

Thursday, February 17, 2011

Recap of 17/02/11

France, 8:30pm

Weight: 144.6lbs

-2 rice cakes with chickpeas pâté (100)
-1 rice cake with tomatoes (50)

- vegan burger (366)
- cereal bar (96)

- vegan vanilla flan (110)

That makes about 722kcal for today. 
I did a lot of walking. I went shopping with a friend for 3 hours, only sitting down to eat (not even 10 minutes), then I walked back to my flat, 5.2 miles in 1 hour and a half.

It burnt at least half of what I ate, didn't it? please say yes...

About my healthy binge eating and my vegan diet

France, 8pm

(First of all, this is my opinion, I'm not saying you're wrong, I just want to explain my beliefs, I don't want insults and comments saying I'm wrong, or stupid... I won't answer them.) 

I'm vegan. I made that choice 2 1/2 years ago, after being vegetarian for 3 years. It has nothing to do with my EDs

It's a question of ethic and moral. I know I'm going to look crazy, but I don't care. 
To me, we are all linked to one another, humans, animals, plants, earth...we are all made of the same things. I do not consider one species more important than the other, I care the same for a rose, a spider or a man. 

Some thousands of years ago, what would become the Homo Sapiens started to eat meat to survive. They did not have a choice, it was eat or die. And I'm glad they did because that means I am here today. 

But nowadays, in a country like mine, we do have a choice, we don't need to eat or abuse animals to survive, we do it because "it tastes good". It's nothing more than cannibalism.
I know in some country they still do not have a choice, I'm okay with that and I respect it. I completely understand that they need meat. 

I just want to live my life without killing others. What is wrong with that? Torture, abuse, slaughter... I don't wish it on anybody, even if it's just a fish. 

(And yes, I know I eat plants, but while we have alternatives for meat, dairy products and eggs, we don't have them for plants...yet^^) 

So that's why you will almost never see me bingeing on unhealthy food (as so of you commented), (I do indulge in burger, cheese, cookies and crisps from time to time, like today ^^ but 100% vegan!) 

And it's also why I'm so hard on myself when I binge. I respect what I eat. And when I lose control and waste so much food, I'm really angry at myself

You must have heard about that movie, but please, if you never saw it, do it. People just hide themselves from the thruth.

Wednesday, February 16, 2011

Recap of 16/02/11

France, 10:30pm

Weight: 144.2lbs

-1/2 mango (50)
-peas (20)
-2 rice cakes with tomatoes (90)

-2 slices of bread/2 rice cakes with red pepper pâté (250)

-annanas (20)

-massive binge.
Bread, rice cakes, peppers, peas, lentils, mached potatoes, tomatoes, butter, chickpeas...
Then I barfed untill I saw pieces of annanas
I don't know how many calories it makes, I didn't vomit everything.
I'm not very mad, angry or anything... just really tired. I don't really care anymore.

So, about 430kcal+??? for today.

I'm okay with it if I show a gain tomorrow. I did ate a lot, I binged, and yesterday I lost more water that fat.
I deserve it anyway.

Tuesday, February 15, 2011

Recap of 15/02/11

France, 7:30pm

Weight: 146.4lbs

- 1 slice of bread (50)
- 1/2 mango (50)
- peas (60)
- green coffee (5)

- 2 1/2 little carrots (15)

- 3 rice cakes with a little bit of vegan butter and tomatoes (200)
- peas (30)

That makes about 410kcal for today.
I didn't exercised, too sleepy and weak. 
I hope I sleep tonight.

Sleeping sickness

France, 5am

I didn't sleep at all, didn't even try to. 

The only thing bothering me more that my EDs is my insomnia, and what comes with it.
I lay in my bed, and sleep just won't come, even if I am so tired I can't keep my eyes open, my brain just won't close. 

Yesterday I had to wait 8am to fall asleep, only to wake up every half hours untill I gave up at 11am.

And today my classes start at 8am, so I didn't see the point of even trying.

When I talk about it, poeple don't realise how "hurting" it is to not be able to sleep. They don't get it. I barely do.
Sometimes I don't want to sleep, and sometimes I can't wake up even with seven alarm clocks.

Anyway, I need to take my daily shower. Maybe I'll weight myself today, or maybe not. I still feel bad about my 'mango bingeing' (je suis trop pathétique...I still can't believe I binged on mangos)

Monday, February 14, 2011

Recap of 14/02/11

France, 9:00pm

Weight: 146.2lbs

-nothing, I was sleeping

-1 mango (100)
-1 slice of bread with 200g of green beans (70)

- 3 1/2 Cereal Bars (255)

-1/2 mango (50)
-some green beans(50)

That makes about 500kcal for today.
I didn't exercised, but I fast walked for an hour and a half.

I didn't binge or purge yesterday, I'm kinda proud of myself. And I didn't purge after eating the cereal bars, even if I was really close to.

fuck, fuck, fuck!!!!!! Fait chier j'en ai trop marre!!!!!!

I binged. I binged ON FUCKING MANGOS!!!!!!!!
I'm so tired. I want to purge. I promised myself that I won't see my vomit this week. So I won't I won't I won't I won't I won't I won't I won't I won't I won't I won't I won't I won't I won't I won't I won't I won't.

It was only 2 mangos, I only stopped because there wasn't any left in my bedroom. I couldn't go in the kitchen, my flatmate was in there and I was shaking and crying too
I hate myself, I'm so weak.

And it's only monday.


I won't purge

30 Day challenge

France, 2:30am

I joined the 30 Day challenge proposed by MLM :

Daily calorie limit of your choosing (mine will be between 1000-1288); Exercise at least 1 hour, 5 days per week; Weigh every Sunday; Take measurements at the beginning of every month (starting with 3/2011); Post daily intake + calories & exercise to blog daily; Share total weight lost when challenge concludes.

My daily calorie limit will be between 400 and 800.

I hope dancing in my underwears is considered as exercising...

I think this challenge is great, it motivates me.

Sunday, February 13, 2011

Recap of 13/02/11

France, 9:40pm

Weight: 147.8lbs

-nothing, I was sleeping

-1 mango (100)
-4 carrotes (30)
-20g of Country crisp chunky nuts (100)
-1 coffee (20)

-1 mango (100)
-1 slice of bread + lentils (70)
-2 pieces of kiwi (20)

+ lots of cups of green tea and water!

That makes about 440kcal for today.

What do you think, is that enought, too much?

(red means bad)


Okay, so I lied, it was 4 carrots, not 2, and more like 20g of country crips.

So, sue me!

Vilaine fille va!
Bad bad girl

I'm hungry

I'm so bored

France, 3pm.

I know, I said I would start my diary monday (well, actually I implied it by saying 'see you all on monday'...) but I'm so boooooooooooooooored.

10am, Woke up, then fell right back asleep.
12:39pm, Woke up, for real. Then I saw a puddle on my bedroom floor. I thought it was water (there was barely any lights on) I put some toilet papers on it (I always have toilet papers in my room). I fed the cat, took a shower, cleaned the bathroom.
1:30pm, Walked back into my bedroom, switching on the light. 

It wasn't a puddle, and it wasn't water.

So what was it?

To understand, let's go back to last night, before I start this blog.

I binged, so I had to purge. Actually it wasn't bingeing, it was eating like a 'normal' human being, = two slices of bread, and a bowl of half lentils, half mached potatoes. First time I purge after eating so little.
I couldn't take a shower, it was nearly 12am, or put the music on (my flatmate would have killed me). So instead I put on a movie (10000bc), took a plastic bag, and did what I had to do. Then I closed it, and put it in a little cardboard box. All was perfect.
But then, I started throwing up again.( I try not to barf everything, so I keep at least something for my body to go on). So I threw up, but not in the plastic bag, on it, in the carboard box. Untill I had nothing left inside me. I didn't wanted to, but I couldn't stop it. (seems now I don't even need my fingers to vomit)
I watched the movie, brushed my teeth, tried to sleep, started this blog, tried to sleep, trolled the internet,tried to sleep...
I think you guessed what was on my bedroom floor. Haha, the power of vomit. It will destroy a cardboard box.

I'll try not to purge this week, I think my body needs a break.

1:30pm, Cleaned my bedroom (still in my towel). Then put on some clothes.
2pm, Weighted myself: 147.8lbs
2pm to 3pm, On the internet. I ate a mango, 2 carrotes and 10g of Country crisp chunky nuts, drank a coffee and green tea. (100+20+50+20=190kcal)
Then I pooped. It was "un petit caca". I like pooping. It makes me happy.
3pm to 3:30pm, Danced around my room like crazy.
3:30pm to now, Writting this post, drinking tea, peeing, dancing, watching thinspo pictures...

What an exciting day so far...

Btw, is my english okay?

Saturday, February 12, 2011

Let's begin'

Insomnia, again.

I don't seem to be able to sleep tonight. Here in France it's 3am.
So instead of laying wide awake in the dark for hours, like everynight, I'm starting this diary. 
I'm 20 years old. I'm french, and you might wonder why I write in english? Well, that way I'm 99% sure nobody I know will read my blog.

Anyway, I suffer from eating disorders. There, I said it. And I can't fucking believe I do. 6 years ago I was saying "this will never happen to me, those girls are so crazy".

And here I am, so fucked up it's not even funny.

Five years ago I made myself vomit for the first time, and I started starving myself as well. I didn't even realised untill recently that I have EDs.
Almost everyday I'm in the shower, kneeing into my vomit. Yeah, I purge in the shower, it covers the sound. Then, with my bare hands, I take my vomit and put it in the miniature bath tub (you know, the one Sephora sells) that my sister gave me. And I flush its content down the toilet.
When it's not in the shower, it's in my bedroom. I put the music real loud, and barf in a plastic bag.
I do vomit in the toilet, sometimes, but once or twice a month.

Real sexy isn't it?

Starving hurts like a bitch. The stomach pains are horrible. Someday you feel great, so great you tell yourself "see, I don't have an eating disorder!" Most of the time you feel like shit, worrying every damn minute about calories.

So you starve, then you binge, then you purge. From time to time you chew and spit.

But you don't fucking want to stop it, because you hate your body, you hate all the numbers between yourself and pefection.

So here we are.

This is my diary. I won't sugar coat it. I will try to write everyday, to tell you all about my weight, about the food I ate, about what shape I saw in my vomit ...

See you all on monday!