Saturday, February 12, 2011

Let's begin'

Insomnia, again.

I don't seem to be able to sleep tonight. Here in France it's 3am.
So instead of laying wide awake in the dark for hours, like everynight, I'm starting this diary. 
I'm 20 years old. I'm french, and you might wonder why I write in english? Well, that way I'm 99% sure nobody I know will read my blog.

Anyway, I suffer from eating disorders. There, I said it. And I can't fucking believe I do. 6 years ago I was saying "this will never happen to me, those girls are so crazy".

And here I am, so fucked up it's not even funny.

Five years ago I made myself vomit for the first time, and I started starving myself as well. I didn't even realised untill recently that I have EDs.
Almost everyday I'm in the shower, kneeing into my vomit. Yeah, I purge in the shower, it covers the sound. Then, with my bare hands, I take my vomit and put it in the miniature bath tub (you know, the one Sephora sells) that my sister gave me. And I flush its content down the toilet.
When it's not in the shower, it's in my bedroom. I put the music real loud, and barf in a plastic bag.
I do vomit in the toilet, sometimes, but once or twice a month.

Real sexy isn't it?

Starving hurts like a bitch. The stomach pains are horrible. Someday you feel great, so great you tell yourself "see, I don't have an eating disorder!" Most of the time you feel like shit, worrying every damn minute about calories.

So you starve, then you binge, then you purge. From time to time you chew and spit.

But you don't fucking want to stop it, because you hate your body, you hate all the numbers between yourself and pefection.

So here we are.

This is my diary. I won't sugar coat it. I will try to write everyday, to tell you all about my weight, about the food I ate, about what shape I saw in my vomit ...

See you all on monday!

1 comment:

  1. I know exactly how you feel. It's crazy and I hate it but I can't seem to get away. We're gonna get through this!!