Wednesday, March 30, 2011


Salut tous le monde!

First, I am stupid. Never, ever ever lose 11 pounds in ten days. Ever.

On Monday I couldn't do anything without getting dizzy. I fainted once, resulting in a big bruise on my cheek, and red marks on my neck (I don't know where those came from!). I stayed in bed all day. Then I couldn't sleep, but I had to go to the Uni in the morning. Sleepless night.

I walked the 6,5 kilometers, everything was fine. But in English class, I got really dizzy. I started having trouble breathing, and I had a funny feeling in my hands and on my face, like pins and needles. So I asked to go outside.

People noticed I lost a lot of weight (they haven't seen me since Thursday, 2 weeks ago) and of course, I had to wear my new SpongeBob shirt that makes me look skinnier. I wear baggy clothes most of the time. So the difference was noticeable. A friend stayed with me outside until I was feeling better, and she kept on asking if I ate something that morning.

And the bruise and marks didn't improve my situation. I was feeling like shit, I was looking like shit, they were all staring at me like I was a freak or something. And the teacher (who is really nice and funny btw) kept on throwing me those strange look every two minutes.

After two very awkward hours, I went home, illegally taking the bus because I didn't have a ticket (I'm such a badass)

So I ate a lot. Because I was afraid that something was really wrong with me, and today I binged and purged, and I plan on bingeing and purging tomorrow too. I didn't count the calories, but it was a lot.

I don't care if I gained weight, I'm too scared of dying. I know, it's irrational, but those last few days, my heart kept on doing strange things, and breathing gets hard sometimes.

So, tomorrow I will binge, but after that I'll try to be healthier. I bought vitamins, and a lot of nuts. I know they are high in calories, but they are also good for your body.

I'm tired of thinking about food everyday. I've already lost 5 years of my life because of that. I'm hardly going to classes anymore, and I won't pass my exams this years, so I will have to study twice as much next year.

It's time I get my life back.

I want to be the ambitious, smart girl I once was. I'm so disappointed and angry for being who I am today, so selfish, so stupid...

I know not everything will change in a day, and I might not get better, I might be thinking that tonight, and tomorrow I will say fuck that I want to be skinny, screw my health!

But right now, this minute, I know I need to change a few things, and that I can't keep on doing this to my body, to my mind.

I love life, I want to be an entomologist, I want to travel around the world, to see and experience new things, to fall in love, to have a kid or two...

From now on, every morning I will eat nuts and take my vitamins, and I will eat fruits the rest of the day. I know it's not a lot of changes. But I still want to lose weight, and I know that if I gain, I will be upset and do stupid this like last week.

I won't count calories anymore and I won't weight myself every hours. I will weight myself every Monday morning, and that's it.

Sorry if I don't read and comment your blogs this week girls, but I don't think it's a good thing for me to do if I want to stop my obsession with food. I hope you understand.

I will still post (only on Mondays and maybe Wednesdays) and still tell you of my weight and what I eat, but I won't talk about calories.

Just one last thing, why nobody told me the word ananas wasn't used in English? I feel embarrassed, I know Ananas = Pineapple in French, but I really thought you could also use the word ananas in English!

And please, tell me If I make big mistakes like that, or keep on getting a word wrong time after time.

Passez une bonne nuit!


  1. I encourage you to do what you want to do love. I am sorry that you are having a hard time. I support you either way. And yes. Ananas just reminds us native english speakers of the word banana, which is a totally separate thing. I didnt notice the mistake. I am sorry! I should have known because I speak a little french as well... hmmmm.

    Be whatever you want to be darling.

  2. I support you whatever way you want to go. I also advise that if you can get out of ana's grasp then run and run far away. I feel like I am to far gone to look back at "healthy". I hope you achieve a healthy recovery. Your beautiful don't let food and numbers rule your life. You should live life spontaneous and see the world like you want.
    Stay strong in whatever you decide.

  3. instead of binging tomorrow, try and have a healthy day. such as cereal and fruit in the morning, sandwich and veggies for lunch and pasta with sauce and side salad for dinner. you'll be re-energized and not necessarily pack on fat.

    good luck with everything.

  4. Be sure to do whatever is the best for you, darling. And if your health is giving out like that it is the best thing to reconsider your options. Maybe talk with a nutritionist. They will help you balance out your diet so you don't miss out in any nutrients your body needs.

    And it was not like the pineapple thing was a huge mistake. I more or less thought it cute :3

    Take care of yourself <3

  5. Oh sweetheart I'm glad you want to make those changes and I hope you are successful. Much love and take care x

  6. Just knowing you want to do better food-wise is the first step. At least you know you want to eat healthier and change your life. Some people don't even know that much. If you put enough energy and time into it you can totally start eating better and still lose weight. I wish you the best of luck!

    ♥ Toni

  7. oh wow, be very glad your feelin better. Do what make you feel best. Dont worry about anythin or anyone else

  8. Good luck hunny. Please try to eat (and keep down) more. Your health is so important.

  9. Good luck with everything babe! You will do great with whatever you choose! <3

  10. it's been over a week since you wrote this and i just hope you're doing a bit better. sending good energy your way.