Monday, March 21, 2011


So, I ate my two bananas (150 cal, it was 80g each). And I might have eaten buttered rice cakes (about 300cal, maybe). But that's okay. I'll do better tomorrow. It's only 7pm, but I won't eat anything. I won't.

I didn't go to classes today. My foot hurt too much. I didn't tell you , but last saturday morning, I went running. I walked/ran for 1h30 untill I reached the lake, then ran 5km, when I started to feel pain in my foot. So I did another 2km of walking, thinking I needed a little break. But it got worse. I was limping so bad I must have looked funny. So, 1 and a half hour later, I was back at my flat, on the verge of tears. 6 years ago, I broke the fifth metatarsal in my right foot, just by falling from my own height. I break easely. And now it's my left foot. The bone is not broken, but half of it was bruised and swollen. Yesterday morning I couldn't even walk, and today it still hurts. And I don't have money to buy a ticket bus, so that means walking back and forth from my univesity (11km).

I didn't tell you because I was afraid you'd think I complain too  much.

I just feel like I'm not in control of my life anymore. My body is betraying me by doing stupid things like a cyst, bone injury, bruises all over my skin, preventing me from purging... I can't follow my classes anymore. I used to be such a good student, before my EDs. 5 years ago, I could have done anything I wanted, but now I can't even stay focused long enough to do anything but count calories and think about food. And I have nobody to talk to. 

To everyone I'm the happy vegan girl, who laughs all the time, tells jokes every two minutes, who says yes to anything and everyone.

And I'm tired to be that girl. I want to tell them that I don't sleep anymore, that the other half of cupcakes I made for them ended in the toilet, that I'm lying when I told them what I ate the day before, or what I will eat after classes. I am not fucking fine! I'm a fucking mess, and I need help.

 I need a break from it all.

I'll stop bothering you with my stupid life and childish problems. I was surprised to find that Moonlight Mistress gave me the versatile blogger award. That's nice. Even if I don't really know what it is.

7 facts about me:
  • I want to be an entomologist.
  • I got a bunch of mole forming the Big Dipper on my lower back and Cassiopeia on my tummy.
  • I was sexually abused as a child.
  • I'm deadly afraid of ants. (I know, funny for an entomologist wannabe)
  • I don't like people touching me.
  • I never had a crush, or felt love for anyone. I don't know what feeling love is.
  • I like cartoons because life is so easier in them. No unresolvable issue, no sex, friendship that last forever...
I give that award to Elle (private blog), Pariis and back to Moonlight Mistress. They're really the three best blogs (and girls) that I read. I like the others I joined too, but those three are what came in mind immediately.


  1. Awww, darling, thank you for following my blog! I'm so sorry about your foot, I really hope you start feeling better soon... and, just to let you know- I read quite a few of your previous posts, and I honestly don't think you complain too much: you just express what you feel, and that's why we are all here-- to let it out and to listen to each other. :)

    You'd like to be an entomologist? That's so fascinating!! I don't think I've ever met anyone who'd like to choose it as a profession.

    Good job on those 2 bananas! Hope the rest of your evening went well.


  2. I'm so sorry about your foot! And no of course, post what you like you could never 'complain' too much! Get better! Your intake was amazing! xxo

  3. Thanks for the award and the compliment on my blog!

    I'm so sorry to hear about your foot. I've had a couple hairline fractures, so I know how much pain your in!! Hope it gets better soon.


  4. Don't worry about complaining too much, everyone has their ups and downs. And you have someone to talk to - us. We are all ears.