Friday, March 25, 2011

Yesterday and today's recap

Hi mes jolies!

Thanks again for all your comments, and thanks to Pariis, Ali, Emuhlee and Andromeda for the versatile blogger award.

So, yesterday: 
2 cereal bars (97+96) 
+1 banana (80) 
+1 apple (50)

Not bad.
I spend most of my time watching Spongebob Squarepants (god I love that cartoon!). Then went oustide to try buying things for my pizza. Big failure again, I only bought vegan ham.
Then I bought a spongebob T-shirt.  Wanna see eat? Bob is supposed to have a  normal head, but my boobs got in the way. ^^

It's a size S. I never thought I could on day wear a size S. My pants size is now 38 (uk=10, us=8)I still have a lot to lose, I got a small frame so my weight range is 120-133. I wonder what the size of my clothes will be at 110.  Maybe I should change my UGW to 120, I want to look good, not like a bag of bones. But the worse is that I still don't see any changes when I look  in the mirror. I got a gap between my thights now, it's small, but it's here. I'm pretty sure it wasn't there last month. And I can see bones I never saw before. 
But in my head, I'm still as fat as I was a year ago. 

I took pictures of myself in a pale pink Minnie T-shirt. I look thin and so fragile, like a young girl. I don't recognize myself.

While I was shopping, I saw a couple of very chubby girls sitting on a banch. And they looked at me with that look. The one I give a lot to cute girls, the one that says 'if only I could look like that, I would be so much happier'. It shocked me a little because seconds ago I was seeing myself through those two girls.
That was the recap of yesterday.

Today was not so good.
It started well, I ate a cereal bar, then a banana. I again spent all day watching Spongebob. I did 200 crunches and fell asleep on the floor. 
I was looking at thinspo videos on youtube, but then I clicked on 'what I lost with anorexia' or something like that. Nothing new, I know all the  bad things you get with it, but this kind of videos always get to me. And I said to myself, it's not me, it will never be me.

So what did I do?

I cooked, I cooked a very healthy meal. Peas, carrots and rice with vegan ham. I was proud of myself. I ate it. 
But I couldn't keep all that food inside. Physically, yes, but mentally...
So I told myself, I'm going to purge. And the bad fucked up girl inside told me to make the best of it! So I ate the mango, an apple, the 4 yoghurts and the cereal bars I had left. That way, I won't be able to binge on anything else untill next wednesday (grocery shopping day) and fucked up girl is happy.
I feel like such a failure, even if I am losing weight. 

I wasn't really careful in the shower, and I think my flatmate heard me. I don't really give a shit. We're not talking anymore.

Sorry I didn't take a look at your blogs today girls, promise tomorrow I will, but right now I'm too tired!
Bonne nuit! 

Ps: Sorry Zane, I failed at our binge-free spring.


  1. Congrats on your good day, sweetie. You look SO tiny in that picture. Just keep trying on the no-purging. You'll get there!

  2. That shirt is awesome. I used to watch Sponge Bob all the time, but somehow I fell out of the habit. Still liking it though :D

    And I am sorry about the binge. But that's ok. You are going to get to your ugw eventually. Just don't let it get you down.

  3. The shirt looks so cute!!! You are looking nice!! And what encouragement that is-- getting the look from other girls! I know it is narcissistic, but I find it to be so inspiring that, to them, you are "on the skinny side" if you know what I mean. And I always love your thinspo! Binges happen. I am sorry that you had to go through it!
    And the flatmate situation sounds like no good at all. I send you thin thoughts and support!

  4. "I got a gap between my thights now, it's small, but it's here. I'm pretty sure it wasn't there last month. And I can see bones I never saw before.
    But in my head, I'm still as fat as I was a year ago."

    This is me all over too. Just remember, if you were as fat as you were a year ago you wouldn't have bones or a gap <3 You look tiny in that photo- and those girls obviously thought so too!

    That girl with the black hair- I want her skin so badly!!

  5. don't worry about failing binge-free spring, i used the first 2 days to get binges out of my system. just put the binge behind you and keep on going. even though it's binge free spring, a person who binges will slip once in a while. when a person restricts so much it's technically bound to happen.

    so keep on going and no more binging. make it a goal for no-more-binge spring. you had your days to indulge and get the binge out of you and now get back on track.

  6. Yeah, me too. But I'm kind of scared that I will fail my foodamount more often when that happens :P

  7. You look so small in that picture. You look absolutely fantastic! Keep it up, lovely girl (:

  8. You look tiny in that picture!! Cute shirt btw:P
    I can only wish about getting "that look"-will be a damn long time before anyone could ever possibly envy me..consider yourself lucky lol

    I can relate to the binge. If I eat a meal or semi regular meal I just feel defeated so I say 'fuck it' and end up going on a nasty binge. It's all or nothing with me... starve, starve, starve & eat like a rabbit or pig the fuck out! :(

  9. Wow you look so skinny in our picture, and you are so lucky those girls gave you "that look"!
    New follower btw :)
    stay strong,
    Lottie x

  10. Congrats on having the thigh gap. I want it so bad!