21

I made myself sick 21 times yesterday. I waste about 55euros worth of food.

I don't have any left, apart from jam and peanut butter.

It's 7am and I still can't sleep.

coffee+apple in the morning and mangos and bananas for dinner, starting after I purge the speculoos I just ate.

Sorry for the lame post, I don't feel like putting pretty pictures, I don't feel like anything.

I don't know why I bother with this blog.

So...

My mom just left. When she saw me she said I lost a lot of weight, that I'll become anorexic...

So I ate like a pig.

Sometimes I went to the bathroom and barfed into the sink.

My flatmate is a fucking bitch. But I don't care, in two weeks I'll be gone. I will spend two other weeks at my mom's or at my sister's then I will spend one month in southend on sea and then if I can I will spend the last of my summer vacation with my brother in Bristol.

Can't wait. But I'm afraid I will have to eat.

Hey girls!

Long time, I know. I don't have any excuses for my lack of posting. I just wasn't feeling like it.

So last time I told you I wanted to make some changes and to stick to them.

And I did, for... 4 days.

Since then it was bingeing and purging. I'm so tired. I can't tell you what I did this past 3 weeks, all I remember is food, and vomit.

It's so easy for me to purge now.

I sit on my bed, I calmly eat all the food I cooked until I'm full. Then I put the dishes on the floor, take a plastic bag between my legs, drink a mouthful of water, then purge, drink a mouthful of water, then purge, drink a mouthful of water, then purge...

Until I throw up clear water. 

I just need to contract my stomach, and the food comes up as easy as it went down.

Since I last posted I saw the 40's, the 30's and the 20's.

I think I'm between 133 and 130 right now, I don't really know. My scale is nearly dead, sometimes it tells me stuff like 213 or 111.11...

I don't really care anymore.

I don't care about numbers and calories anymore.

I just want to be tiny and small.

The more I  lose, the more I feel fat.

I nearly lost 50lbs since May 2010, and I feel even more ugly, disgusting and fat that I felt back then. And worst of all, I still am a C cup. I want them gone! I want my curves gone. I want poeple to stop looking at me. I want them to stop hurting me, to stop fucking me. I don't want anyone to touch me, ever.

All they want is sex.

I don't want that, it's dirty, disgusting, messy... it hurts and makes me so angry!

I didn't eat anything but apples since sunday.

I'm going crazy. I spend  2 days cleaning everything I could. Everyting is in order around me. It smells like  flowers. I can't stand something that isn't clean or perfectly aligned. I even spend 2 hours cleaning and sharping my drawing pencils.

I guess I just need to have control over something.

I'm waiting for my mom. She is staying with me until thursday. I will have to eat.

Coucou!

Salut tous le monde!

First, I am stupid. Never, ever ever lose 11 pounds in ten days. Ever.

On Monday I couldn't do anything without getting dizzy. I fainted once, resulting in a big bruise on my cheek, and red marks on my neck (I don't know where those came from!). I stayed in bed all day. Then I couldn't sleep, but I had to go to the Uni in the morning. Sleepless night.

I walked the 6,5 kilometers, everything was fine. But in English class, I got really dizzy. I started having trouble breathing, and I had a funny feeling in my hands and on my face, like pins and needles. So I asked to go outside.

People noticed I lost a lot of weight (they haven't seen me since Thursday, 2 weeks ago) and of course, I had to wear my new SpongeBob shirt that makes me look skinnier. I wear baggy clothes most of the time. So the difference was noticeable. A friend stayed with me outside until I was feeling better, and she kept on asking if I ate something that morning.

And the bruise and marks didn't improve my situation. I was feeling like shit, I was looking like shit, they were all staring at me like I was a freak or something. And the teacher (who is really nice and funny btw) kept on throwing me those strange look every two minutes.

After two very awkward hours, I went home, illegally taking the bus because I didn't have a ticket (I'm such a badass)


So I ate a lot. Because I was afraid that something was really wrong with me, and today I binged and purged, and I plan on bingeing and purging tomorrow too. I didn't count the calories, but it was a lot.

I don't care if I gained weight, I'm too scared of dying. I know, it's irrational, but those last few days, my heart kept on doing strange things, and breathing gets hard sometimes.

So, tomorrow I will binge, but after that I'll try to be healthier. I bought vitamins, and a lot of nuts. I know they are high in calories, but they are also good for your body.

I'm tired of thinking about food everyday. I've already lost 5 years of my life because of that. I'm hardly going to classes anymore, and I won't pass my exams this years, so I will have to study twice as much next year.

It's time I get my life back.

I want to be the ambitious, smart girl I once was. I'm so disappointed and angry for being who I am today, so selfish, so stupid...

I know not everything will change in a day, and I might not get better, I might be thinking that tonight, and tomorrow I will say fuck that I want to be skinny, screw my health!

But right now, this minute, I know I need to change a few things, and that I can't keep on doing this to my body, to my mind.

I love life, I want to be an entomologist, I want to travel around the world, to see and experience new things, to fall in love, to have a kid or two...


From now on, every morning I will eat nuts and take my vitamins, and I will eat fruits the rest of the day. I know it's not a lot of changes. But I still want to lose weight, and I know that if I gain, I will be upset and do stupid this like last week.

I won't count calories anymore and I won't weight myself every hours. I will weight myself every Monday morning, and that's it.

Sorry if I don't read and comment your blogs this week girls, but I don't think it's a good thing for me to do if I want to stop my obsession with food. I hope you understand.

I will still post (only on Mondays and maybe Wednesdays) and still tell you of my weight and what I eat, but I won't talk about calories.

Just one last thing, why nobody told me the word ananas wasn't used in English? I feel embarrassed, I know Ananas = Pineapple in French, but I really thought you could also use the word ananas in English!

And please, tell me If I make big mistakes like that, or keep on getting a word wrong time after time.

Passez une bonne nuit!
Bisous!

Recap of the week !!!

Weight: 137lbs
(-8.2lbs)

Monday: 145.2

-450cal
Tuesday: 143.8

-45cal
Wednesday: 140.8

-355cal
Thursday: 138.8

-323cal
Friday: 138.6

-500cal(???)

Saturday: 138.2

-88cal
Sunday: 137

- 93cal

I ate about 1854cal. The guy in Superzise VS Superskinny would say "undereat of 6 days a week". Damn that's scary !!!!

Maybe I'm going to eat a banana later tonight, I'm really hungry, and I got some pretty bad hunger pains right now.

It was a really good week, at least for my weight. Remember Wednesday, one and a half week ago? I didn't want to tell you how much I weighted? Well, I was at 148! So I  lost 11 pounds in 10 days. But the first few pounds were actually water (bloating) weight I think.

I never tought I could lose so much in so little time! 

Now, I'm sure everyone is wondering what I did this weekend ;) 

Saturday, I watched Spongebob, again. And I ate 180g of Spongebob's house (ananas)

Today, I watched Spongebob, again. And I ate 190g of Spongebob's house (ananas)

+ A MASSIVE AMOUNT OF DANCING IN MY UNDERWEAR!

Btw, my foot is feeling so much better, just a sharp pain from time to time. It might not have been a stress fracture after all! stupid doctor...

Now schedule for the next week. 

I have 4 bananas (or maybe 3) and 4 apples left untill next wednesday. I think I'll try to eat more. And I will also try to eat my pizza and my french toats. I'm not giving up on them lol.

Monday: 2 bananas and 1 apple

Tuesday: 2 apples and 1 banana

Wednesday: (1 banana) and 1 apple. And maybe french toats, but no purging!

I still don't know for the rest of the week, I'll tell you after the grocery shopping in 3 days.

And thanks for all the very appreciated comments, and new followers!!

Yesterday and today's recap

Hi mes jolies!

Thanks again for all your comments, and thanks to Pariis, Ali, Emuhlee and Andromeda for the versatile blogger award.

So, yesterday: 

2 cereal bars (97+96) 

+1 banana (80) 

+1 apple (50)

=323

Not bad.

I spend most of my time watching Spongebob Squarepants (god I love that cartoon!). Then went oustide to try buying things for my pizza. Big failure again, I only bought vegan ham.

Then I bought a spongebob T-shirt.  Wanna see eat? Bob is supposed to have a  normal head, but my boobs got in the way. ^^

It's a size S. I never thought I could on day wear a size S. My pants size is now 38 (uk=10, us=8)I still have a lot to lose, I got a small frame so my weight range is 120-133. I wonder what the size of my clothes will be at 110.  Maybe I should change my UGW to 120, I want to look good, not like a bag of bones. But the worse is that I still don't see any changes when I look  in the mirror. I got a gap between my thights now, it's small, but it's here. I'm pretty sure it wasn't there last month. And I can see bones I never saw before. 

But in my head, I'm still as fat as I was a year ago. 

I took pictures of myself in a pale pink Minnie T-shirt. I look thin and so fragile, like a young girl. I don't recognize myself.

While I was shopping, I saw a couple of very chubby girls sitting on a banch. And they looked at me with that look. The one I give a lot to cute girls, the one that says 'if only I could look like that, I would be so much happier'. It shocked me a little because seconds ago I was seeing myself through those two girls.

That was the recap of yesterday.

Today was not so good.

It started well, I ate a cereal bar, then a banana. I again spent all day watching Spongebob. I did 200 crunches and fell asleep on the floor. 

I was looking at thinspo videos on youtube, but then I clicked on 'what I lost with anorexia' or something like that. Nothing new, I know all the  bad things you get with it, but this kind of videos always get to me. And I said to myself, it's not me, it will never be me.

So what did I do?

I cooked, I cooked a very healthy meal. Peas, carrots and rice with vegan ham. I was proud of myself. I ate it. 

But I couldn't keep all that food inside. Physically, yes, but mentally...

So I told myself, I'm going to purge. And the bad fucked up girl inside told me to make the best of it! So I ate the mango, an apple, the 4 yoghurts and the cereal bars I had left. That way, I won't be able to binge on anything else untill next wednesday (grocery shopping day) and fucked up girl is happy.

I feel like such a failure, even if I am losing weight. 

 

I wasn't really careful in the shower, and I think my flatmate heard me. I don't really give a shit. We're not talking anymore.

Sorry I didn't take a look at your blogs today girls, promise tomorrow I will, but right now I'm too tired!

Bonne nuit! 

Ps: Sorry Zane, I failed at our binge-free spring.

Crappy day

So, maybe eating so little might have been really stupid.

 

I woke up this morning really hot and nauseous. I fed the cat, peed, and took a shower (all my mornings start like this). But near the end of my shower, I started getting dizzy. I cooled down the water, but it didn't help. So  I quickly limped to my bed, still naked. And passed out. Then I tried to get up, but I started getting dizzy again, so I laid down, then tried getting up, then got dizzy... 15 minutes later I felt better but I decided to eat 2 in-case-of-emergency cereal bars and an apple. (Of course I weighted myself before) And at noon I ate another apple before going grocery shopping. That makes 355 cal for today.

My mom gave me some money to buy food. Next Sunday, I want to eat a pizza, with french toasts. So I went to Carrefour Market, and put in my bag all the ingredients I would need to cook a yummy vegan pizza and some other things: tomatoes, peppers, corn, flour, artichokes, mushrooms, tofu, vegcheese, bread, butter, peas, carrots, vanilla soy milk, mangos, apples, bananas.

But in the end, all I bought was: 4 bananas, 4 apples, 4 carots, 1 mango, some fresh peas, 4 soy yogurts and 2 boxes of cereal bars.

The fucked up girl inside me is happy, but the other girl, the one who wants to get better, really wanted to make and eat a pizza and french toats . I deserve it! I lost 7 pounds since last Wednesday! But I couldn't. 

So maybe next week the bad fucked up girl will let the hungry girl eat that freaking pizza.

I think my eating disorder is getting worse. I want to get better, but I want to lose weight too.

Today's awesome day!

Hello girls!

Thank you all for you lovely comments. It really means something to me! And my complaining doesn't bother you so i will keep on doing it ;b

But first, my daily calorie intake: 1 "potabio aux potimarron" (too lazy to translate, but it's like organic pumpkin soup in powder that you mix with water) : 45cal

I know I said I wouldn't eat anything today, but I always eat a tinny thing in the morning to get my body going.

So, now, recap of my not-so-eventful day. 

As I told you before, my foot hurts. But why Doctor? Fifth metatarsal stress fracture...ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME!!!! nope...he needs x-rays to be 100% sure and I need crutches for 4 to 8 weeks. (no running for 3 monthes at least)

Problem: don't have money or social insurance.   

So no x-rays and crutches then. But I can't spend 1 month lying in a bed, waiting for my foot to heal. So I have no choice but to use it. The doctor told me I was kinda crazy, and that if I don't let it heal, it's going to become a complete break. And I'll might need surgery.

That man just know the words to make my life so much better.

I give it 'till Monday of light walking, but then I need to go to classes, meaning  a minimum of 11km everyday.

It doesn't hurt that much anyway, just the 10 first minutes, after that, you know what they; "too much pain, kills the pain...!" (stupid thing french people say, just replace pain by anything you want)

Now that my foot chronicles are over(for now), what did I do today?

• weighted myself, drank, weighted myself, peed, weighted myself, drank, weighted myself... all day long.
• weighted the cat (11 pounds!!!)
• weighted the rats (0.5 pound for W. and 1 pound for L.)
• read and commented blogs.
• cleaned the whole flat.
• read stargate fanfictions
• watched the lastest episode of How I met your mother
• watched an episode of the simpsons
• played with the cat
• tried on all of my clothes
• ...

It was suposed to be bed rest, but I just can't stay still for a long time. I don't know how I will survive untill monday!

And of course, I thought about my weight, my goal...

I have 53 days left before moving out of my flat, and before summer break. I want to lose about 20 pounds by then.

20/53*7= 2.64  

2.64*3500= 9245

9245/7= 1320

So losing 20 pounds in 53 days means losing 2.64 per week, meaning a deficit of 1320cal per day.

So either I won't reach it, or I will die! And  exercice=broken foot, so... maybe 10 pounds in 53 days is good too ^^.

Good night !!!

Hum...

So, I ate my two bananas (150 cal, it was 80g each). And I might have eaten buttered rice cakes (about 300cal, maybe). But that's okay. I'll do better tomorrow. It's only 7pm, but I won't eat anything. I won't.

I didn't go to classes today. My foot hurt too much. I didn't tell you , but last saturday morning, I went running. I walked/ran for 1h30 untill I reached the lake, then ran 5km, when I started to feel pain in my foot. So I did another 2km of walking, thinking I needed a little break. But it got worse. I was limping so bad I must have looked funny. So, 1 and a half hour later, I was back at my flat, on the verge of tears. 6 years ago, I broke the fifth metatarsal in my right foot, just by falling from my own height. I break easely. And now it's my left foot. The bone is not broken, but half of it was bruised and swollen. Yesterday morning I couldn't even walk, and today it still hurts. And I don't have money to buy a ticket bus, so that means walking back and forth from my univesity (11km).

I didn't tell you because I was afraid you'd think I complain too  much.

I just feel like I'm not in control of my life anymore. My body is betraying me by doing stupid things like a cyst, bone injury, bruises all over my skin, preventing me from purging... I can't follow my classes anymore. I used to be such a good student, before my EDs. 5 years ago, I could have done anything I wanted, but now I can't even stay focused long enough to do anything but count calories and think about food. And I have nobody to talk to. 

To everyone I'm the happy vegan girl, who laughs all the time, tells jokes every two minutes, who says yes to anything and everyone.

And I'm tired to be that girl. I want to tell them that I don't sleep anymore, that the other half of cupcakes I made for them ended in the toilet, that I'm lying when I told them what I ate the day before, or what I will eat after classes. I am not fucking fine! I'm a fucking mess, and I need help.

 I need a break from it all.

I'll stop bothering you with my stupid life and childish problems. I was surprised to find that Moonlight Mistress gave me the versatile blogger award. That's nice. Even if I don't really know what it is.

7 facts about me:

• I want to be an entomologist.
• I got a bunch of mole forming the Big Dipper on my lower back and Cassiopeia on my tummy.
• I was sexually abused as a child.
• I'm deadly afraid of ants. (I know, funny for an entomologist wannabe)
• I don't like people touching me.
• I never had a crush, or felt love for anyone. I don't know what feeling love is.
• I like cartoons because life is so easier in them. No unresolvable issue, no sex, friendship that last forever...

I give that award to Elle (private blog), Pariis and back to Moonlight Mistress. They're really the three best blogs (and girls) that I read. I like the others I joined too, but those three are what came in mind immediately.

Schedule for the week

France, 10:30am

So, I can't seem to be able to purge anymore. For the last two days I binged, without purging. I'm really not happy right now.

Last time I wrote down my meal schedule, it was a really successful week. All I have left in my flat are 4 bananas, 4 apples and 4 lemons. I am broke, so I can't buy anything else right now, and if my mom give me money before next week, all I will buy is bananas, or maybe mangos, if I loose enough pounds, it will be my sunday treat.

Monday:

2 bananas

Tuesday:
nothing

Wednesday:
1 banana

1 apple 

Thursday:

2 apples

Friday:
nothing

Saturday:

1 banana

1 apple

Sunday:

nothing, if I didn't loose enough

2 mangos if it was a success, and if I have money.

I won't eat anything untill tomorow. I really need to stop this binging. And everytime I am hungry, I will suck on a lemon.

Back on track

Hi everyone !

I'm really sorry for the lack of posting this past 3 weeks. Thanks for the new followers!

Anyway, I'm going to tell you why I did not post anythig. 

I started a juice fast, it was not really successful, but that's not the point. So 6 days into my juice fast, I started to feel pain in my lower abdomen. I thought it was because of my not-so-healthy diet, so I didn't say anything. Then the pain became really horrible. I never felt something like that before. I passed out, and the following events are a blur. I ended up at the hospital for a week. Why? Ruptured corpus luteum cyst. I lost a lot of blood. And the doctor told me I was lucky that someone was with me when I colasped.

Anyway after that week at the hospital, my mom stayed with me at my flat for another week.

I think you can guess that those 2 weeks weren't good for my weight, all the more given that I was fasting just before. It could have been worse, and if a few pounds is the price for being alive, I'm not complaining.

But I still feel ashamed of  those few pounds, so the next time I tell you my weight will be when those few pounds will be gone. I think I can do it in 1,5-2 weeks.

And thanks to Another girl, I might be an inspiration to you, but it's your comment that told me to move my ass and get back on track too. I was really feeling down, and not thinking of my weight untill two hours ago, so really a big thank you to you! (and btw, I think you have a really beautiful body)

Recap of the week

France, 2:30pm

 

Weight: 141lbs

(-4.6lbs)

So, this week was okay. 

I binged 3 times (on cereals and vegetables), and last night binge really scared me, I hurt myself pretty bad so I really need to stop doing that. I throw away all the food I still had,  apart from green beans. I will try to fast as much as I can, the only things I will buy are juices, and some fruits. 

I got one week break and my flatmate isn't here. That means I have the flat for myself, so nobody to hear me puke. That's why I don't trust myself with food right now. All I want to do since she went away is stuff myself with vegan burggers and french fries.

And I need new clothes. That's funny, I know I lost a lot of weight, but when I look in the mirror, I don't see a change. All I see is fat, fat, fat... And that disgust me and I can't believe I was 30lbs heavier only monthes ago! I mean I'm so ugly now, I don't even want to know what I looked like before, I'm glad I don't have any pictures!

Anyway, I might not see a change, but my pants do. Even my panties do. And I don't want to go shopping because I'm fat.

Fml.

Recap of 21/02/11 and schedule for the week

France, 9:30pm

x

Weight: 145.6lbs

(+1lbs)

I ate bread and cereals.

That makes about 500kcal for today. 

I walked 6km. Then it started raining, so I had to take the bus.

I'm glad, I only gained 1lbs in 3 days of binge and barf!

*****

I did the groceries and only bought what I needed this week, and I have nothing else in my flat apart from 3 peppers. That way, it might prevent me from bingeing.

So, my meal schedule for the week. I will try to stick to that, but I might eat some fruits if I really get hungry.  

Tuesday: 
40g of cereals with soy yogurt(200)
265g of lentils(210)


Wednesday: 
40g of cereals with soy yogurt(200)
140g of peas(110) 


Thursday: 
40g of cereals with soy yogurt(200)
140g of peas(110) 
265g of carrots(60)


Friday: 
40g of cereals with soy yogurt(200)
265g of lentils(210)

Saturday: 

40g of cereals with soy yogurt(200)

440g of green beans(90)

 265g of potatoes(160)

Sunday: 

40g of cereals with soy yogurt(200) 

140g of peas(110) 

265g of potatoes(160)